Two weeks ago, I received the following note from a devoted husband whose heart aches for his wife, a stepmom to his children, on Mother’s Day. I asked him if I could share his words and a photo of his family and he graciously agreed. Here is how one husband views Mother’s Day and grieves the day for his wife:
Hi. My wife led me to your post regarding the gift of stepmoms and regarding the upcoming Mother’s Day holiday. So I wanted to share the bittersweet blessing with frustration from dad’s perspective on the matter…
My wife will not see my kids’ faces on Mother’s Day, and unless the third time is a “charm”, she won’t be able to speak with them on the phone either. All calls over the previous two years on Mother’s Day since she has become a part of my family have gone unanswered and not returned, as they are not yet old and responsible enough to carry their own phones, and gifts made at school are intended for one mom (bio mom)… not two. The schools don’t seem to have caught on yet. So while she won’t admit or describe it this way, at least not out loud, perhaps to shield her precious heart, this is deeply heartbreaking to her. She has chosen to love and adore my kids, and as we have them half of the time; also feeds them, provides for them when they are in need, and she creates a stable, caring, safe, and nurturing environment. Just to name a few of her selfless acts. Yet the investment usually lacks a measurable dividend.
I adore her immensely for this sacrifice, but as much as I try, I simply can’t provide the same kind of adoration and appreciation on their behalf on Mother’s Day as they potentially could, had they not been a little bit discouraged. So the burden falls heavily on me, not even to fill the void, which is as far as I can see, basically impossible, but to close the gap a little. This is an emotionally exhausting role in itself. I usually don’t even know where to begin.
This is a situation that rips away at the fabric of what my family is trying to be, so I simply try to remember to thank God every day that this is at least a problem I could have the unfortunate circumstance to be without. That even to have a fabric of a family with two loving adults in the same home, and having her to love all of us, is a blessing. She loves them, and she grieves their absence on Mother’s Day. I could have a far worse situation for my children. I’m lucky to have such a lovely woman whom I can call my own.
I thank her for everything she does for my kids, which in turn, provides for me more than anything else she could ever actually do for me directly. God Bless her sweet, beautiful soul. The kids and I have never really articulated it this way, particular because dad is a proud achiever, but we would all be lost without her.
His words bring tears every time I read them. What a blessing he and his wife are to one another and to their family. What does this letter mean to you? Does it speak to your heart?
Today’s post comes from Meghan. Her words will move you. Her heart will inspire you. And her journey will give you insight on the blended family journey. I am honored to share Meghan and the beautiful beginnings of her blended family.
The Beginning of My Blended Family by Meghan
My blended family story doesn’t start the day I married my husband. My story starts when I was a young child, adopted into a wonderful family. I grew up feeling nothing but love from my parents and siblings, but always felt I was missing a piece of my puzzle. When I was a teen, my biological mother came back into my life, causing much chaos. She herself was not stable, and even though she completed my puzzle, it was a puzzle full of hurt and confusion. Part of this confusion was caused because of my loyalty to both of my mothers. I felt drawn to my biological mother, and felt confused by the pain my relationship with my biological mother caused to the mother who had raised me. Even when my biological mother caused me pain, there was still this part of me that desperately wanted a relationship with her. This situation has given me a lot of insight into what being a step-child must feel like.
When I married my husband I was thrilled to gain his three children, two girls and one boy who were at the time 13, 12, and 9. He shares custody with their mother who remarried one month after our wedding. Even when the kids’ mother speaks badly of us, or tries to cause problems in our relationship with the children, I remind myself of the pain I saw in my adoptive mother, and try to be compassionate . I have a wonderful relationship with my step-kids and I know that must be hard for her. I go out of my way to not make the kids “choose” a side. Always encouraging them to love their mom, even when she has done hurtful things to me. I want the kids to have the best relationship possible with their mother. I personally know how hard it is to be in the middle, and it is my goal that the kids will be able to look back and see that I did my best to let them love all of us without guilt.
Being a stepmom has taught me more than I could ever imagine. I am learning to love a difficult person, who goes out of her way to make my life hard, but also gave my husband the incredible gift of his children. I am learning that kids change your life, and there is nothing in the world better than a hug from my step-kids, who are now 15, 14, and 11. Most importantly, I am learning that even though being a stepmom can be hard, at times lonely, and many days a battle, it is also very rewarding. I would not trade my blended family for anything.
Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. - Proverbs 4:23
Meghan joined the stepmom community in her mid-twenties when she married Fred in 2011. She was blessed with three stepchildren, two girls who are now 15 and 14, and one boy who is 11. Fred and Meghan share custody of the children with Fred’s ex-wife. They live in Maumelle, Arkansas. They are all very involved in church and school activities and enjoy anything that involves spending time as a family. You can connect with Meghan on Twitter at @lrning2BSmom
Meghan’s insights are profound? Do you find yourself taking the high road with your husband’s ex for the kids’ sake? Loyalty issues can run deep in a child. Share the gift Meghan’s words have brought to you. Thanks.