Thu 10 Jun 2010
A Sassy Single Mamma: What She Wants Stepmoms To Know
Posted by Heather under Community Forum
[20] Comments
Recently, I had the pleasure of meeting a wonderful woman who is a real inspiration to many. Jessica is the Sassy Single Mamma and she has begun a blog of her own. I so love the way she has embraced her children’s soon to be stepmom and asked her is she would like to write a guest post. I was thrilled when she agreed.
So here is Jessica’s words of wisdom to stepmoms. Please note, her words are from experience as she used to be a stepmom herself. Enjoy!
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A stepmother is a very unique breed of woman! She is a woman who has courage and honer running through her huge heart! A heart large enough to let in children she never got to bond with as a baby! She loves her husband’s children but knows she could never say (s)he’s mine. Because of her love, being a stepmother is a never ending battle in her mind.
Never knowing where you truly fit in or what your exact rule is to the stepchild can cause friction in the household! I know so well because I was once a Smom to a little girl. I loved her as my own. When she hurt I hurt, when she was happy my day was brighter. It was hard for me sometimes to step back and remember I’m her stepmom and a mother to her soon to be brother.
Now my rule has changed to a mom of two boys who are about to be blessed with a smom of their own. Honestly, I’m not worried! My children’s father would not bring a woman around unless she is a good person. I have also met her on several family dinner nights!
Yes that’s right I’m a very unusual woman who wants nothing but the best for my kids father and part of that is getting to know his new love.
I wouldn’t say I’m the controlling type but family means the world to me, and making sure my boys have stable loving homes is priority. So I plan to have a “normal” friendship with this new woman. And that includes the three of us sitting down and coming up with rules that will please both households. We must also go over strict guidelines on what punishments will go along with the rules.
I feel my children will see her with more respect if she is not stumbling around. I want this to be a smooth transition for everyone. I would hate to see her punish the boys for something they are usually allowed to do. Even worst is the idea of hearing “but she let’s us do it!” along with these new sets of rules I sat her down the other day to talk about what our ideas on Smom means.
So here is my list of what a Smom should do/be:
1) Be a role model. Show the children how a woman acts and takes care of the household. My kids had to see a relationship fail once, so make sure they see love and respect.
2) I am their mother. Don’t ever try and take my place! Be there for them but know your role and never introduce them as YOUR kids!
3) Keep communication open. As hard as it might be sometimes make sure you talk with the mother about her kids (good and bad)
4) Don’t talk bad. Yes there are bad mothers out there! But its not your business. Don’t make a child feel they have to choose between the two families! Children are innocent and have the right to love someone even with faults
5) Be apart of their lives. Weather its full, primary, or partial custody its your job to be there! It will show the child and mother you want to be a great influence. Pluses you got something to talk to the child about!
6) Love them for them. Don’t try and change them. Don’t try and turn them into what YOU believe they should be.
7) Don’t compare them to your child. Every kid is different! They learn, play, and socialize in a way that’s comfortable for them.
Be a mediator. They will fight with their family and friends. Its your job to listen not to put fuel on the fire. Tell the father or mother what the child is telling you what’s going on.
9) Learn from them. Children have a remarkable way of showing us our flaws. Don’t take it as an insult or reason to run away.
10) Be willing to negotiate rules. Yes each house will have different rules but really look at how important it really was before you punish the other house with keeping up with a grounding or taking away of a favorite toy! I bet the mother will see your flexibility and will become more supportive and flexible with you as well.
11) Selfless! You must be able to share your husband with his kids. Yes there are days you will come home and want to talk to your husband but wait till the kids go to bed! (That’s if he doesn’t get them all the time) If he has a annual camping trip with the kids before school starts up, don’t invite yourself or complain a week is to long.
12) You are his wife, but I am the mother of his children. I’m not saying I’m better then you! I’m saying he has a responsibility to take care of his kids, and part of that is making sure his kids mother is okay! So when he says I got to drop my car off at___ because hers broke down and needs to get to work… Don’t complain! Realize its for the good of the kids.
I do know every family is different, and your situation may not allow some of my list. But give it a try! You never know how things may change for the better.
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Sassy Single Mama is a 23 year old mother of 2. She just began her blogging adventures about dating as a mother and raising her boys one day at a time! You can read more about her at her blog:
Her motto is “Learn from yesterday, Live for today, Hope for tomorrow!” ~MUAH~
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So what do you think? Please share your comments here!
Yes, in the end it is about keeping the children’s interest at heart and looking how what we think or how we want things to be affects them. For me what keep standing out is that as a smom you need to realize they are NOT your children. Honor their bio parent and don’t try to outdo them. Sometimes it is hard to see the affect on the children above the hurt and annoyance that is going on, but I too feel that keeping that in mind, if you can, will benefit all. Paying attention that I do not drag the children into our battles is so good, even if the other party does.
This is an amazing post, first of all. It delights me to see I’m not the only one delighted with a prospective step mother
I think you are doing the absolute best thing by being willing to be friendly and discuss rules and boundaries with the new stepmother. I also think family dinner nights are a great thing. Just tonight I enjoyed a wonderful dinner with my ex-husband and his fiancee’
There is one point of this post that really bothers me, and it is a quality that bothers me in all situations, not just pertaining to smom’s.. Entitlement.
I do think that the birth mother needs to remember that the step mother owes her nothing. I was a little bothered by the comment about the car. All the father owes anyone, so to speak, is his children – the qualities of being a good father and if needed financial support and especially emotional support. Would it be nice for him to drop off the car? Sure. Does he have to? Absolutely not.
In a lot of ways, I feel smoms still aren’t held to the highest esteem that they should be. You have to remember what an absolutely thankless job it really is. She gives her time, she gives her heart, soul and effort to assisting in raising your children – it is not her responsibility to take care of the birth mom’s issues – it is her responsibility to take care of her husband, or her stepchildren.
Since I have never been in the position of my children *having* a stepmom, I will tread lightly here. And in most of this, I agree with Sassy Single Mom Jessica. I also applaud her for being open minded, genuine, and concerned about the happiness of her children’s father.
There are a few things here I take some issue with though.
One is how the children are introduced. (#2)In my case, for example, my stepkids lived with me at least half the time for the last 7 years (their mom moved away a year ago and left them with us full time, and my sson, now 19, moved out in January). In many many many ways, they are ‘my kids.’ Because, mainly, their mom handed them to me for all the dirty work: school meetings, discipline, clothes shopping, homework, driver’s ed, college apps, doctor’s visits, etc. She was around for fun stuff. Also? I asked the kids how to introduce them, because they should have a say. Most of the time, they preferred to keep things simple. My husband and I have 2 children together. When we talk about our family, we say “our 4 kids.” When I take my sdaughter to an appointment, she’s my daughter. People either ask for clarification or figure it out (since I look too young to have a 19 & almost 17 year old…) I know I will *never* be “their mom” but they are “my kids.” There’s a difference…
#12 I truly believe in being kind and generous to everyone, but let’s remember that a woman marrying a man with kids is going through some huge emotional transitions of her own. She may not have a great support system or a lot of understanding from her friends/family, because truly, not even her husband knows how she feels in the new roles. If the mother of his children has another option in an emergency – such as the car not starting or the plumbing backing up – she should use it. I don’t really believe, beyond basic human courtesy, that it is an ex’s job to make sure their children’s other bio-parent “is ok.” The marriage has ended…each party needs to have its own support system. That sounds harsh, but after seeing my husband and others taken advantage of here, it’s my belief. Often times, “emergency” situations are used to cause drama, tension, or simply to hang on to something that isn’t there any more.
Sorry if I hijacked your blog, Heather. it’s a great guest post, and again, I applaud Jessica for her well-rounded insights.
I think she is right on so many counts. It is also so very important that the mother accept the step mother for who SHE is. Don’t expect her to scale mountains, and know that if she is a good person and loves the kids THAT IS ALL THAT MATTERS!
Wish I could feel this way. But when the soon-to-be “step-mom” was your husband’s mistress for over a year prior to your being blindsided when he walked out on your 15 year marriage. And, then consider the fact she’s already been married three times by the age of 40 — and has two children from her second marriage (and now your ex spends more time trying to impress her kids, than spending quality time with his own). And to top it all off, the first time she meets your kids is at 11:00 p.m. when the ex shows up on her doorstep with his two boys . . . puts them to bed on the couch, so he can share a bed with her down the hall (and he’s not legally divorced yet). Seems to me, she started off on the wrong foot, and is not quite the woman I want setting an example for my kids. So what to do????
For the most part, Jessica’s words ring true; however, I do take issue with #12. The marriage has ended and the mom must own her new life – whether it’s the car breaking down or the propane gas running out at 2AM when it’s less than zero degrees out (that happened to me). It’s not your ex-husband’s responsiblity to take care of you anymore and cloaking it in the disguise of “for the kids” is like wrapping yourself up in the victim role.
I recommend that instead of relying on your ex-spouse, that you build a support network of your own and have a list of numbers for emergencies: Plumber, electrician, auto repair shop, AAA, primary care physician, etc,.
I also commend you Jessica for your willingness to extend the hand of peace to your kids’ new stepmom. What a wonderful breath of fresh air you are. Perhaps the ripples you send out will touch other bio moms as well. As a bio mom of two children who also have a stepmom and as a stepmom myself, I would like to add some of my thoughts for bio moms and stepmoms just starting out in their relationship. I think the most important thing a bio mom can do for her kids is to tell them that they are free to enjoy themselves over at dad’s and stepmom’s. It’s ok for them to talk about the other household and the fun things they are doing with bio mom. It is also important for her to tell them that they must respect dad and stepmom and the rules that they have set at their house. When bio mom and stepmom get together for the first time, bio mom should tell stepmom what she told her kids. By the same token, stepmom should let bio mom know that she respects bio mom and her relationship with her kids. She will never do anything to undermine that. She sees her role as supporting dad in his relationship with his kids and making sure that the kids are comfortable in their home.
In my opinion, if bio mom starts the conversation by saying let’s set some common rules for the kids, stepmom will view that as bio mom trying to assert herself in dad’s and stepmom’s relationship/household. I also agree that dad is not responsible for taking care of bio mom. Both households have to be able to stand on their own feet if the relations between the two households are to work. And I agree that after a while, it is going to be natural for stepmom to say these are my kids or these are our kids, especially if she has kids of her own. I don’t see that as slighting bio mom. I see that as not making any of the kids feel like outsiders. As time goes by and everyone is feeling more comfortable in their roles, I also think discussions of common house rules will naturally tend to occur.
Jessica: I wish you much success! Let us know how things turn out.
I applaud the spirit of this post, but I take issue with several items written. Number twelve especially. The father has no reason to “take care of” the ex wife. The mother is a grown up and can/should take care of herself. Obviously, he should be responsible and pay child support if it is what his situation requires. However, this mother talks about the stepmom needing to “set an example” of how a woman should be. Well, that goes for the mother as well. Don’t be needy and clingy, show your kid(s) how independent a woman can be by standing on your own two feet. Please don’t be the perpetual victim. My stepdaughter’s mom plays that role to a T and it is doing her daughter no favors.
I also take issue with an underlying tone I sense in this post. It’s the whole “I sat her down and talked to her” thing. Thank you, I am a successful, educated, adult woman…I don’t often need anyone to “sit me down” and tell me how to behave in life as I am not a child and I don’t see how this situation is different. Sure, sitting down for a meet and greet is great if it can work. But please don’t come at from the tone of “I sat her down and told her what I expected…” It’s condescending and disrespectful towards the stepmom as a person.
The final issue I’m going to address is telling me to “be selfless”. Really….there is nothing I’ve ever done in life that is more selfless than being a stepmother. I volunteer at school, I cook the meals, I give advice on little girl drama, I help with homework, I teach makeup 101, etc, etc. I am a custodial stepmom whose stepdaughter lives in our home all but four days per month. I do all of this for a child that, as you stated, is not mine whose mother is more worried about how to get to the next party than she is about doing what’s right for her child. I think I’m doing my best on the selfless front, thanks.
Again, I applaud the spirit and if any of you read my blog you know I am not a hateful, spiteful person so please don’t take it that way. Honestly, I’m suprised with how reading this post really touched a nerve for me, but please think before you start giving a stepmom “lessons” on how to behave. The job is hard enough without an overbearing mother “helping”. Also, I’m sure there are purely awful stepmoms out there that give all of us a bad name. I hope that I am not one of them and hope not to be treated or generalized as such. Along that same thought pattern I realize not all mothers are as manipulative and toxic as the one I deal with on a daily basis so I’m sure that situation does cloud my judgment on this post.
Well as with the other women I do very much appreciate that Jessica put her thoughts out there to share with the rest of us. However, there are things that I don’t agree with.
I am the SMom of three girls. 17, 13 & 11. They ARE my girls. I would do anything for them. As with Kelly their bio-mom decided to not allow the oldest in her house any longer two years ago. Due to conflicts with the then 15 yr old and her step-father. Bio-mom didn’t stick up for her kids. The other two we have 50/50 and it is tough on them because their mother has decided to cut off a relationship with their older sister.
Now this is a “GREAT” girl, in track, cross-country, swim team, works at a salon on the weekends, holds a 3.65 GPA and helps out around the house.
I am the oldest of 10, seven children in my family were adopted through foster care. They were not blood – but they were family. They are still my siblings and that is how they are treated. Blood is not always thicker than water.
#2 sounds more like ego on Jessica’s part.
If a women is willing (god helps us) to take on the raising of children that she has no rights legally to, doesn’t have to support them financially but does, understands that they take away from the time she has with their father (her now husband) and then openly accepts the responsibility to raise them why should she have to preface they are a “STEP” kids. They are my girls and I have the right to introduce them however I feel suited.
Don’t let your ego get in the way. Step-mom’s care too and we also want the best for them. After 10 year, they are my girls.
Really? REALLY?!? What you’re saying here is, “I look foward to having a stepmom in my child’s life because it will give me one more person to manipulate.”
Sassy Single Mom wants to have her cake and eat it too. She wants to dictate not only her household and her life, but her ex’s household, her ex’s life, the step-mom’s life and even the step-mom’s thoughts and actions. Being the one who birthed a child doesn’t give you that power or right. As a woman who has helped my husband raise his children from elementary school to adulthood, this offends me to no end. I am an independent human being and marrying a man with children does not mean I forfit my rights to my own thoughts and actions, as much as the bio-mom may have wished that.
And? If you expect the s’mom to model a good relationship? Expecting hubby to come home and ignore the ’second (read: inferior) wife’ until the kids are in bed is NOT going to model a healthy relationship. Ignoring the wife and leaving her out of the family moments is only going to damage her relationship with her husband and the children. (Oh, darn, right?) A marriage (yes, ssm, even a second marriage) comes before children, no matter what the circumstances. It’s like being on a plane. When the oxygen masks come down, you take care of yourself first before you take care of a child. Otherwise you’ll be no good to anyone.
And the whole “taking care of the ‘baby-momma’ (yes, my words not yours) is good for the kids” is b.s. It confuses the children even more. It creates resentment toward the stepmother and the thought process, “Well, if mom and dad can get along like this when X, Y, or Z happens, then it must be S’mom’s fault that they’re not still married.” SSM, you are a BIG GIRL, as evidenced by the fact that you popped out two children. If you are grown up enough to birth a child, you be matu’re grown up enough to be mature and take responsibility for yourself and your life. The father/husband is responsible to his child(ren), himself, and his wife. YOU are no longer his wife. If you really need someone to lend you a car, or whatever convoluted “I’m a helpless maiden in need of rescue” excuse you can come up with, call a friend, a parent, a relative, a co-worker, or a boyfriend. If you have none of the above, maybe you need to take a CLOSE look at your life and figure out why. It is your responsibility to make new relationships and build your own life.
Also? Expecting me to correct people who mistakenly say, “Your mom” or “Your children,” and clarifying, “No, (s)he’s my STEP child,” is expecting me to perpetrate emotional abuse on your child. If the child wants to clarify, fine. However, the adult taking that emotional step away from the child and, in a way, disowning the child is painful. I never knew how to handle it and finally asked my s’kids. They ALL said, “When you say, ‘No, they’re my stepchildren’ we feel like you don’t care about us as much as you care about our little brothers and sister.”
Stepmoms of the world, whenever you let the bio-mom dictate the relationship, the actions, the title, or whatever — you’re asking for trouble.
Holy Moley! This 23 year old mom has no clue. I don’t know what her circumstances for being a stepmom herself as she mentioned at the beginning of the post are, but she is way off. She has set herself up for a world of disappointment. Your ex husband owes you absolutely nothing. If there is child support to pay, well then obviously it needs to be paid. But as to her laundry list of “expectations” for her kids new stepmom, I think she’s flipping nuts. I personally feel sorry for the stepmom. This woman is so disrespectful to even give her this list. I would have loved to be able to sit down with my husbands ex and chat and get on the same page. But if she dictated to me how I should view my role the conversation would very quickly be over.
I wonder what this woman thinks *her* responsibilities as a co-parent are, besides giving a laundry list of demands?
I think your list is disrespectful, Jessica. Nobody is telling you when you can talk to your husband/partner at the end of the day, who should get to borrow your car or whether you can go camping. I’m sure you wouldn’t stand for it if your kids’ stepmother tried that!
If I was her, I would appreciate your efforts to co-parent constructively, but not to tell me how to run my marriage or care for your kids. That’s your ex-husband’s job re his new wife/partner! (And even then, by “tell” I mean “encourage to get to know” or “get on the same page with him about”).
I think your intentions here may be good, but that you risk alienating this important woman in your children’s life.
I agree with most of the ladies here that #12 won’t work in our household. And thankfully DH agrees! But I also don’t feel that coming up with the same rules for both households is a reasonable expectation. You have 2-4 parents involved with these children in two separate households, and no matter how hard you try, you are not going to get everyone on the same page when it comes to “rules and guidelines for punishment”. I understand consistency is best for the children, but as a stepmom, I am not going to let the biological mother of my skid, who lives primarily with us, determine the rules of our household. It’s a nie concept, but totally unrealistic.
Having been a full time custodial stepmom for 12 years, I take issue with #11 and #12 on this list.
First of all, I’ve taken care of all of my stepchildren’s needs (with zero help from their mother and without breaks) for years! I call that extremely selfless. I refuse to be ignored or isolated from my husband and family. Occasional trips or special dad/kid alone time is okay, but not all the time. And don’t dictate how my husband spends his time with me vs. his kids. That’s HIS choice. Not yours.
#12 is just ridiculous. You’re divorced. You’re an adult. You are responsible for your own bills, home and auto repairs. If your car breaks down, do like everyone else and call a wrecker. Your ex-husband is not your mechanic, handy man, or delivery guy. If the kids need a ride to soccer practice, doctor appointment, or school…call me. Otherwise, do it yourself.
Thank you for the post on What you think a smom should do/be. While it is optimistic, and an understandable desire, this list will work, I believe, when respect is reciprocal for both mom and step-mom. If the goal is truly “for the benefit of the children”, and I believe it should be, then, along with Sassy Single Mommas list, place this one next to it for best results: What a mom should know from a StepMom to Be:
1) Be a role model. Show the children how a woman acts and takes care of the household. Your kids had to see a relationship fail once, so make sure they see that respect can still exist between mom and dad and stepmom.
2) You are their mother. Trust that I am fully aware of this fact. Hopefully, if you have a strong sense of self you won’t feel the need to frequently remind your children and me. I’ll be there for the children, because of the love for my husband and certainly the dedication the children deserve, but know that my role as a stepmom will be defined by my husband, and his children’s needs. As for introductions, this is the least of my worries on the scale of “whats important”.
3) Keep communication open. As hard as it might be sometimes make sure you talk with the step-mother about your kids (good and bad). This will go a long way to foster trust as well as benefit the children.
4) Don’t talk bad. Yes there are bad step-mothers out there! But its not your business. Don’t make a child feel they have to choose between the two families! Children are innocent and have the right to love someone even with faults
5) Recognize that as their stepmom, I am a part of your childrens lives. Whether their father has full, primary, or partial custody its your job to recognize that I’m there for them! It will show the child and step-mother you want to be respectful of this fact. Plus, it will give us all something very positive to reflect on someday with the children!
6) Love them for them. Don’t try and change them. Don’t try and turn them into what YOU believe they should be.
7) Don’t compare them to anyone’s child! Every kid is different! They learn, play, and socialize in a way that’s comfortable for them.
9) Learn from them. Children have a remarkable way of showing us our flaws. Don’t take it as an insult or reason to run away.
10) Be willing to respect rules negotiated in each home. Look at how important the issue really was, before you punish the other house with keeping up with a grounding or taking away of a favorite toy! I bet the father and step-mother will see your flexibility and will become more supportive and flexible with you as well.
11) Selfless! You must be able to share your children with their father, and respect that his wife will do the same. Yes there are days that I will come home and want to talk to my husband, and my husband and I will determine the best time to talk. (Even if he doesn’t get them all the time) If he has an annual camping trip with the kids before school starts up, if I’m invited, I may decline, because, frankly I’m grateful for some alone time. I probably won’t complain, but if I do – well – I guess nobody’s perfect.
12) He is the father of his children, and I am his wife. I’m not saying I’m better then you! I’m saying he has a responsibility to take care of his kids, which I respect and support. Their mother has a responsibility to take care of herself, which I also respect. So when your car breaks down, as a responsible woman and role model – you will have Triple A programmed into your phone as I do. Realize its for the good of the kids.
As a stepmom-to-be, I am willing to do all that I can for my husband’s children and try to be the best role-model I know how. But please know dear mother of my step-children – I recognize that every family is different, and your situation may not allow some of my list. But give it a try! You never know how things may work for the better.
This post is insulting and belittling to stepmoms. No one, mother or otherwise, can tell me what the relationship between me and the children “should” look like. Respect the kids enough to know we will work that out among ourselves.
The children’s father has NO responsibility to make sure the children’s mother is okay. The children’s mother has 100% responsibility to make sure she is okay! Drop the helpless female act.
This list is not a helpful tool for stepmoms. It is a selfish wish list of a bio-mom hoping to champion herself and keep anyone else from being important to the children or to her ex-husband.
I believe your list is well intended, but perhaps naive and perhaps from your 23 years perspective. As a 45 year old mom/stepmom for nine years there are many assumptions that this is something that can be dictated or even heavily suggested. Relationships and co parenting are founded on mutual respect and working together, not power statements.
The children are the focus. Names and introductions are based on their needs, not my own. My stepchildren would have been heartsick if I had called myself their “stepmom” they just wanted to be my children…yet we know I am not their birth mom and I honor her and appreciate that I am raising her children in my home. My children know when their R…calls them my son or my daughter they are being honored as her own…no competition, no dishonor to me…
Boundaries end at front doors. Without danger or seriously inappropriate issues, each household has its own standards. We support each other’s parenting, but visitation is too short to be tacking on punishments to a parent who only sees the child 2 days at a time 2x a month…or what have you. We expect toxic turnover times, so a day after coming home and the evening they arrive we plan for the emotional changes and plan for quiet family or individual time while the children readjust.
I do not have a problem with #12 as most did, but I do not agree with the reasons why. Maintenance is about planning, emergencies are another thing. I work with my husband’s ex wife on such issues as she does for me. We support each other’s existence because its best for all of us.
As a mom and stepmom I expect to hold my opinions about my children’s other mom/dad to myself. That means not on FB, not on phone conversations where they hear opinions or frustrations, not anywhere. The truth is we don’t always agree, but I have chosen to believe we both do the best we can and work to get along.
The thing is, the children need my permission to truly love each of us…and each of them…and external family relationships…regardless of how they feel about me…We work hard to value each other, to protect the children from more frustration and pain…to acknowledge that it is hard on them to go back and forth, but to love them through it.
Ron Deal, Successfulstepfamilies.com is a great resource as is many other folks on the web.
Thank you for thinking through where to begin and what bothers you, perhaps in the dialogue you can both come up with solution sets that work for both of you.
I love all of the comments based on being a stepmom. Although I’m not yet a stepmom I do anticipate the day in which I will be. I’m a newly divorced mother of two wonderful teenagers and reading all of the blogs and comments allows me to see how people are really feeling. I have the attitude of wanting to get along with everyone. I tell my girlfriends that I wish to mimick the Tv show Reba, its funny ideal and has its ups and downs. I just wish everyone could see how staying bitter and angry against one another is such a waste of time and energy.
A.
#12 doesn’t fly. I’m with Ellie: program AAA into your phone. And while you’re at it, learn how to use a screwdriver and a hammer, learn how to pump your own gas, hang your own blinds, install a car seat properly, start the lawn mower and change a lightbulb. Part of being a single mom (and a woman) is modeling to your children (especially your daughters) what a self-sufficient independent woman looks like. We don’t need a prince on a white horse to rescue us because we have it under control!!!
There’s ALWAYS a laundry list of things Stepmammas should do and don’t, isnt there? So many people want to believe that it’s always the stepmamma’s fault things get crappy. What a wonderful and convenient scapegoat! I wish it were that easy for everyone. Trust me, it’s not.
As with so many others, #12 is downright ridiculous. ” Oh I’m such a weak little lady with children, I need a man to help” Gimme a break. That’s disgusting behavior to model for children. If you’re old/mature enough to be a mamma, then youre old enough and should be responsible enough to take care of yourself. Even in a snowstorm. If ex isnt available, do you still call daddy at age 25? Good luck to you on that one.
I actually agree with much of this list and applaud the efforts. But rest assured, it speaks for maybe 1/10th of the story. I wish I could read a list like this and things would be awesome…but not in my case, or a lot of other cases like mine. More and more mothers these days are becoming deadbeats. They are too weak, immature and irresponsible to take care of themselves, let alone children (reflective of #12?) When they no longer have a good man to take care of they simply fold. I KNOW this is not always the case, but neither is a stepmamma needing all the instruction.
You tend to forget the 100% custodial stepmamma numbers are growing becuase more women wont take responsibility for themselves and their kids ( again, reflective of #12?!) I’m personally proud to say that yes, I DID take over, as I had no choice. “mom” left child, and moved forward with a boyfriend and guess who had a child dumped in her lap to raise? Yeah, the STEPMOM. I AM a mother to this child and yes, I am hated for it…but not by the child. I’m hated by the “woman” who left her child behind because she couldnt handle it- she chose to live on the streets with a boyfriend over her child…and by the way #12 is SO up her alley.
I’m expected to pay for half of the child’s expenses, yet I have no rights
I’m expected to love this child as my own, yet then I’m remided that child has two parents.
I’m expected to take full responsibility for this child, yet I have no rights.
I’m expected to be civil and cordial to the ‘woman’ who claims false abuse and lies of my constantly?
I’m expected to encourage a relationship with the child and ‘mother’ when ‘mother’ can not even bother to show more than a couple of hours interest in her child?
Oh please. Nice effort–it really is, but very closed minded and rather blaming, don’t you think? Mamma’s need to look at their OWN behvior too, but it will not happen for the majority, because they birthed a child, they seem to get a get out of blame free card.