Day 21: 30 Days in the StepMom Trenches

Something you should never say to a stepmom is “you knew what you were getting yourself into!”

That quite possibly could be the understatement of the century.  I don’t think there is a stepmom out there who could have predicted her family life before she actually became a stepmother. Reality of stepmom life says there are many, many people whom impact our life, schedule and wallet yet we have little to no control over them. Speaking from my own personal life experience, I was completely blindsided by many of the feelings I experienced as a new stepmom. 

Often after the “I dos” are exchanged, emotions can change in the ex-wife and in the stepkids and typically it is the stepmom who can become the target of the emotional whirlwind.

While my husband and I read every book we could get our hands on before getting remarried and talked with veteran stepcouples in our church, I still was not prepared for the rollercoaster of emotions I would ride once I said “I do.”

I never expected…. I was pleasantly surprised ….
  • to feel so alone at times
  • to connect with so many amazing stepmoms
  • that my stepdaughters would push me away
  • that my stepdaughters would love and thank me for being “mom”
  • that my stomach would do flips everytime I hear the word “court”
  • that my heart would do flips everytime I look into my husband’s baby blues
  •  I would rely on my faith so much
  • to live by faith
  • it could hurt so bad to love
  • it could feel so good to love
  • a man I love with all my heart could drive me so crazy
  • I could love a man so much
  • I could feel like an outsider in my own home
  • I could feel so complete when our whole family is together
  • that I could feel so bad
  • that I could feel so good
  • to hurt so bad when my stepkids hurt
  • to be so happy when my stepkids accomplish something great
  • defend my role as stepmom
  • share my heart as a stepmom
  • to be the one to have all the “girl” talks with my stepdaughters
  • that I would come to know my stepdaughters so well that I could see hurts and pains in my stepkids that even their own father doesn’t see
  • my children to often be jealous of having to share their “mom” 24/7 with their stepsiblings
  • that all six of our kids would gel so well that there is no step used among them. It’s all about just being brothers & sisters.


Lessons for the StepMom Trenches: I don’t think any woman can accurately understand what life as a stepmom is like until she chooses to love a man with children. You feel it when you are in it and sometimes the feelings change seasonly, monthly, weekly, daily, hourly and sometimes by the minute.  Know that every feeling you have is real, normal and okay. It’s what we do with our feelings that matter.

Challenge: Next time you feel an emotion related to your role as stepmom, know that you are not alone. We all have joys and challenges as a stepmom and whatever you are feeling there are likely a million other Smoms feeling the same way. There is strength in community. Get connected to other positive minded stepmoms!


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