Tue 30 Aug 2011
School Forms: Friend or Foe? Five Tips for A Peaceful Transition Back to School
Posted by Heather under Practical Advice
[8] Comments
Back to School time means form time. You know those pieces of paper where parents and/or guardians are to be listed. Or not.
Nothing seems to bring more angst at the onset of school like those dreaded forms. Actually, it’s not the forms themselves but being left off of them that can fuel an emotional fire deep within a stepmom’s heart. 
The first day of school each of my six kids brought home an inch of forms to be filled out; basic information sheet, emergency contact form, medical form, lunch and transportation forms, photo release form, code of conduct form, just to name a few.
I poured myself a cup of Joe and started to fill them out aiming to have them done when my husband got home to save him the agony.
Our school system is progressive and acknowledges the role parents and stepparents play in the lives of children. Having said that, I was surprised to find only three boxes to list the parents/ guardians on the general info sheet.
That works fine for our family as my ex-husband is not remarried. But what if he were? Would I write her name on the back and draw an arrow to the front? Would her feelings be hurt if she were left off due to space? The questions could go on and on.
I tweeted early last week about the angst that these forms seem to have on co-parents and within minutes I had over five stepmoms tweet back about how their husbands were left off the form. One stepmom even said that not only was her husband left off the form but his children’s stepdad was listed as the bio dad.
Really???
When that happens you have to think about motive. And that’s why it’s best to go straight to the source if you are left off of a form – go to the school. Don’t engage the other parent. If you have legal rights to your child then the school legally has to make information available to you and include you in all communcations.
If the husband is left off the form, you can guarentee that the stepmom will not be listed. Sometimes as stepmoms we can feel like a used text book. We are good enough to take care of our stepkids but not good enough to be included on the school forms or attend open house. It can really hurt.
These types of events are tangible reminders of our position in the family. Reminders of how little control we can have over situations regarding our stepkids. A reminder that we are expected to take care of our stepkids but that we shouldn’t expect any recognition for it. WE are good enough to buy the supplies, help our stepkids with school projects and study for tests but for some of us, we don’t count when pen meets paper. Ouch. That stings. But don’t despair. Regardless of what a piece of paper says… YOU are a very IMPORTANT person in the lives of your stepchildren.
Five Tips When You or Your Husband are Left Off the Form:
First, Don’t Take it Personally. You may not be on a piece of paper but that does not negate the role you play in the child’s life. Sometimes when a parent or stepparent is intentionally left off a form or out of a school function it has more to do with the insecurity of the other parent than it does with the parent not included.
Second, Go to the Source. Unless a court says you have no rights to a child, the school must under the law, give you access to the child’s information and list you on the forms. The tech age has made it easy for co-parents to stay in the loop. Most schools have the school calendar online and the teachers are easily accessible via the school website.
Third, Don’t Put the Kids in the Middle – When kids are put in the middle of any co-parenting issue there is a great chance for anxiety to set in for the child. When a child is anxious, he takes that into the classroom and it impacts his ability to learn and socialize. It also can impact the teacher, her ability to teach and the other classmates.
The children don’t make co-parenting choices and they shouldn’t have to pay the price when one parent makes a bad one.
Fourth, Examine the Motivation. It seems like our culture loves to pit ex-wife against stepmom. Sometimes these two roles don’t get along but often times they do peacefully co-exist. If you and/or your husband has been left out, examine the motive. Could it be a mistake or oversight? Could it have something to do with the form itself? If you truly believe you and/or your husband was left off intetionally then my all means DO NOT ENGAGE THE OTHER HOUSEHOLD ON THIS MATTER.
If the true intent was to get you upset and you do get angry and call/email/text a nasty message then you have just given the other household what they want and you have validated their behavior. It’s natural to get upset but be cautious in letting them know how upset they have made you.
Every behavior has a motivation behind it. If your husband’s ex truly left your stepkid’s father off a form to spite him or you and you get all bent out of shape then you just satisfied her desire to hurt you. If you go directly to the school and don’t mutter a word to her, she may not feel that same motivation next year when the back to school forms start back up. She’s found out she can’t get to you that way. She also knows that she has no legal right to do what she did and that you and the school will right her wrong.
Fifth, Focus on What Really Matters. It is important that you know the teacher, the important phone numbers for the school (attendance, school nurse, principal,etc…), drop off and pick up procedures, alternative transporation rules, school hours, homework policy, etc…..
You can get all that information directly from the school office. Go there for the info if the other home isn’t working with you. Try your hardest not to get the kids involved.
~~~
I want to hear from you. Please leave a comment if you and/or your husband has been left off a school form or not included in some type of school open house or activity. What’s your take on this situation? How has it impacted your husband? You? Your kids and stepkids? Thanks as always for sharing.
I was recently left off my step son’s school paperwork. His step father was listed as the biological Dad & my husband was just listed as an extra contact. I immediately took offense to it, even though I know that is what the bio mom wanted. I cried & cried. I take care of the kids (we have joint custody) and I love them…yet I’m not listed on the school paperwork. It really hit a nerve with me. After a good cry & some reassurance from my husband, I felt a lot better. 5 years into our marriage & we still have to remind ourselves to not let her actions cause us any pain or heartache. Sometimes that is just easier said than done. Bottom line, we all need to look out for the kids. They are who matter the most. Thanks for a great post!!!
I’m a biomom who was left off the school form because my ex and his new wife have primary custody. I live about 400 miles away so it’s typically not an issue, but when my mom passed away last year I drove to my son’s school to pick him up early for the weekend and tell him the news myself. Except that the school wouldn’t let me because I wasn’t on the form. They had to call my ex to get his permission as my son sat there wondering why I was there and wouldn’t tell him anything in the office.
This year my ex seems to have rectified that as I received the robocall from the school when they dismissed early due to the recent hurricane.
Because of the distance, I can understand the thinking involved in putting emergency contacts as people who can actually do something in an emergency. We also live about 300 miles from my BF’s daughters. I would never EVER expect to be on any of their school forms, but I would expect he would be. When they come to us in the summer and we need to fill out forms for camp, we put ourselves and local people as emergency contacts. What good does it do for the child to get sick and they call someone who lives hundreds of miles away?
I think it’s an issue in which common sense must prevail over emotion. It’s generally easy for us because of the distance to determine what “common sense” means, but I think both birth parents, if still living, should be included on the form no matter what. And schools ought to consider revising their forms to request info about noncustodial parent and spouse if applicable.
From the time my stepson (who is now 9) started kindergarten, my husband and his ex-wife have used our address as the ‘home’ address for my stepkids.
My husband and his ex didn’t want to give anyone the idea that Dad had custody so they are supposedly separated on the forms and hers is the name listed as the woman/mom living at my address (not me). In fact, for all of my SS’s kindergarten, I wasn’t even allowed to “exist” in school forms, emails, p/t conferences, etc.
Even now, the mail to the ‘parents of so-and-so’ is sent to my husband and his ex-wife at my address. I am an “in case of emergency” contact. I try not to let it get to me and by now it doesn’t really, but every time I have to write another woman’s name as being the inhabitant of my house it makes me sour a little.
Thanks for sharing ladies. All three of you have different stories and yet you share the commonality of putting your children and your stepchildren first.
You all have such strength of character. Thanks again for sharing your stories. One of the greatest blessings of our community is that by sharing our stories we help each other not feel alone on this journey. There is so much hope and strength in knowing you are not alone.
xoxo Heather
Thank you for this post! It came at the right time. My husband and I just got married back in May and he has two kids from his first marriage. I don’t have kids have my own so it’s been quite an adjustment having elementary kids all of the sudden. I love those kids w/all my heart and would do anything for them.
I have to pick them up from school tomorrow, it’s our weekend to have them and we are going out of town. I just called the school to see if they had any record of me and of course they didn’t. My husband called the school to add me to the list. It is frustrating and hurtful that I wasn’t added but I’m glad I just called the school and didn’t make a big deal about it.
We go through this every year. My husband and his former wife have joint legal and joint physical custody. My SD is with us 50 percent of the time.
Every year, her mom fills out the forms for school (she lives in the school district and we live ten minutes away). Every year she leaves dad off the form. (There never has been any discussion of putting me on the form; I am satan’s handmaiden for falling in love with my husband after she left him and having a happy marriage where she was not able to.) This has been happening for years.
We read Amy J.L. Baker’s excellent article, “Beyond the High Road: Responding to 17 Parental Alienation Strategies without Compromising Your Morals or Harming Your Child.”
Here is a link to a free PDF of the article: http://ncfm.org/libraryfiles/Children/Alienation/BeyondthehighroadMay2008-1.pdf
Strategy number 15 is “Withholding Academic, Medical and Other Information from the Targeted Parent.” Like you, Baker also recommends skipping any discussion with the parent who omits you and dealing directly with the school. Which my husband does, every year, to make sure he is listed in his daughter’s file. Thank you BM for adding yet another hurdle to his parenting. Unlike your optimistic prediction, though, this has not stopped BM from doing the same thing every year.
This year, there is a new twist. BM has raised with SD and SD’s therapist the complaint that dad “won’t co-parent with me and that is causing SD emotional distress.” My husband has told the therapist that he is the one always trying to co-parent but getting no response or only an unproductive, sarcastic responses from BM. This week, he forwarded to therapist the email thread in which BM offered to give him a copy of the school forms and his email saying she never did. He also included a copy of the Baker article with that portion highlighted. In the past, he has also raised with therapist the fact that BM won’t tell him when she takes SD to the doctor or the name of the doctor so he can call the office himself.
Therapist says her concern is SD and that SD is experiencing anxiety about being torn between her parents. We believe BM is being unreasonable because she won’t share important information about SD. BM believes my husband is being difficult because he stands between her and her goal of being the only one to parent SD snd parenting her the way she wants.
So far, therapist has not done anything about this — simply repeating her “dad, you need to get along with mom so mom will stop yelling” mantra. I do not believe therapist is qualified to deal with the complexities of a high conflict divorce and blended family. Did I mention BM chose therapist. She now refuses to see SS’s therapist, who has her number and has begun teaching SS techniques to use when dealing with a high conflict parent.
Welcome to my life. I love my husband and his devotion to his kids and to me makes this all bearable.
I forgot to add:
SD goes to a public school that publishes a weekly email with dates and general school news. Anyone can sign up to get the email on the school’s website. Dad signed up, mom signed up and I signed up.
Last week, SD (15) asked dad, “Why does [my name here] get emails from my school? I think they should go only to you and mom because you are my parents.”
Where to start?
1. I could literally hear her mother’s voice being channeled in her request.
2. Why? So I can plan your family vacations (to Paris! To Israel! To Mexico!) without conflicting with your study schedule? So I can make sure not to plan a big dinner party in the middle of your final exams? So I can know what’s going on in my own house?
3. Mom and dad and 5,000 other people whose kids, stepkids, and friends attend your school or whose spouses teach or work at your school or whose house is down the street from your school and who want information about traffic patterns or or or …
It’s so obvious she is being forced into a loyalty bind and confronted with the false choice between her mother and me. But frankly she is working with her therapist on so many other, more important things (including learning how to talk to mom without being yelled at) that I don’t have the heart to insist that the loyalty bind be dealt with yet.
Every year these forms cause an issue with biomom and biodad. We fill out an emergency card with his and my information (I am stepmom and we have M-F custody) and include biomom’s info on it as well as an emergency contact. She always then goes to the office, fills out her own emergency card, leaving biodad off of it and listing her boyfriend as the kids dad. This year she took it one step further and told the school that she must be called first in the event of an emergency, illness, or behavior problem and decided to pit the school office against us telling them we never inform her about anything when we ALWAYS inform her of everything. (She just never shows up because she doesn’t care about her kids and uses that as an excuse so she doesn’t look bad). Seeing as how we have custody of them during the week, we should be the ones called IMO and IMHO she shouldn’t even be notified as she is not allowed to pick them up from school.
What I don’t understand is why a person would need to fill out a seperate emergency card of their own when they already are listed on the original one. Controlling? Possesive? Insecure?