Sat 28 Aug 2010

Where Stepmoms Connect Community

Posted by Heather under My personal brew
[3] Comments

I am so excited to announce my newly created community for Smoms! My heart is to offer resources and to help encourage and support stepmoms. I truly love you ladies. And I am constantly working on ways to add to and improve my site.

I wrote this on the wall of a coffee shop in Switzerland

It’s my desire to create a positive place where stepmoms feel safe to cry, laugh, share and feel connected.

I feel like our society embraces stepkids and ex-wives who complain about the “evil” stepmom (thank you Walt… you had to have had serious mom issues growing up) yet a stepmom can feel so guilty and wrong when she is feeling frustrated in her role. The reality is that being a stepmom is both a blessing and a challenge. Our role takes on seasons and sometimes the challenging season lasts a really long time. Bottom line is we need each other.

My biggest piece of advice to new stepmoms has always been to connect with other stepmoms so they don’t walk the journey alone. Feeling isolated as a stepmom can wreck havoc on our emotions.

I started my own local support group here in Cleveland to connect with other stepmoms and it has been a lifesaver. Then as I was designing my site, I had the desire to build an online stepmom community so that no matter where you live that you can connect with others just like you. Because no matter where you came from, no matter where you live now, we are all on the stepfamily journey and we need each other.

So I encourage you to visit My “Where Stepmoms Connect” Community on TheBlogFrog.com http://theblogfrog.com/1371856

You can participate in the discussions that I started and/or you can start your own discussion and get advice/comments from other stepmoms. You can sign up to be notified when a new discussion is started and when someone responds to your discussion. It’s very interactive.

For instance, are you dreading this weekend because your stepkids are coming and their mom poisons them against you… then share your feelings and ask other stepmoms how they deal with it.

… or do you want to share a wonderful experience you had with your stepfamily and offer encouragement.

When you wake up at 3am and can’t sleep because you are churning with worry about something, you can share your feelings and get support from others just like you.

So go on… hop on over to My blog frog community and get connected.

Would love to hear what you think. Always accepting comments/tips to make it even better for YOU!

Tags: , , , ,

 

Wed 18 Aug 2010

Confessions of a Delusional Stepmom: the absentee ex-wife is not really absent

Posted by Heather under Articles written for StepMom Magazine
[4] Comments

Yes, I admit it. I was living in fantasyland when I envisioned what being a stepmom would entail. I thought my journey would be different from the vast majority because my story was missing the ex-wife that everyone warns you about when you date a man with kids.  I foolishly thought I would never have those horrid ex-wife situations that I had heard so many stepmoms complain about when I said “I do” to my husband and his two girls.

You see, my husband’s ex-wife lived two time zones away when we met. She had left the family and started a new life. Yeah, she called a few times while we were dating but the calls were so short and infrequent and my soon-to-be stepdaughters didn’t seem very interested in talking with her. They were so excited to get a mom again who would live with them and do girly things with them. They were excited for our marriage and to gain four new siblings that I would bring with me into our new family.

Life was good. I was marrying the love of my life and the most genuine and compassionate person I had ever met. I loved being a mom to my four kids and embraced the idea of gaining two more children to call my own. Since loving my soon to be husband was so easy and I loved being a mother, I assumed being a stepmom would be a cake walk for me.  Cue the theme music from Jaws……

Bam! Reality hit hard and fast. It swallowed me whole. How could I be so stupid? I had looked at my new family situation through love goggles. My love for my husband and my love of being a mother clouded my thinking. My delusions that I wouldn’t have to deal with an ex-wife were so incredibly wrong and unhealthy. My cloud with the “no ex-wife” silver lining quickly vanished once I became a stepmom.

You see I learned a very valuable lesson:

The ex-wife is always present in your life whether she lives down the street or across the country.

There is no denying it; I am reminded of my husband’s ex-wife and her legacy on the girls each and every day. She is alive in the hearts and thoughts of my two stepdaughters (ages 9 and 12). She is alive in their conversations. Early in my marriage this was especially true when my cooking, cleaning, clothing and basic “doing” were compared to her. My stepdaughters were understandably examining me through lenses that were built by their mother. I cannot, nor should I, deny her presence.

Many stepmothers endure the emotional challenges of having a physically present ex-spouse who calls their husband daily, changes visitation schedules, tries to overthrow their authority in the home, bad mouths them to their stepkids, etc…  Those are painful, ever present issues that frustrate and tear at a stepmom’s marital security and emotional sanity.

For me, and for other custodial stepmoms, we also deal with insecurity and emotional distress from our husband’s ex-wife but for different reasons. My anxiety and frustrations stem from watching my stepchildren struggle with the loss of a relationship with their mother. I also have become the target for all their suppressed anger towards her and their fear of being abandoned again.

Custodial stepmoms endure the presence of their husband’s ex-wife in the brokenness and rejection we see in our stepchildren who don’t have a positive relationship with their natural mother.

I have two stepdaughters who cry themselves to sleep at night wondering why their mom never called on Christmas.  I deal with the question over and over “why doesn’t my mom want to see me?” “After four years, I think she’s forgotten about me.” When we go on family vacations, the youngest one always asks “will I recognize my mom if I see her here?”  And just recently, we were at the community center and my youngest stepdaughter saw a sign that read “IF IT’S LOST, YOU’LL FIND IT HERE”. We were walking out when she tugged on my arm and said “Stop. Look at the sign. I need to check to see if my mom is in the lost & found bin.”  Even though it’s been over 4 years since she’s last seen her mom, my stepdaughter still looks for her everywhere she goes.

This spirit of rejection can be all consuming to children and it has definitely impacted my youngest stepdaughter’s ability to focus and learn in school. All she can think about is her mother and what made her leave their family.

Custodial stepmoms also endure the presence of an ex-wife in the anger, resentment and bitterness misdirected at them from their stepchildren.

Shortly into our marriage, this sweet little girl who used to tell me “I love you” and follow me around like a shadow was screaming at me, calling me names, breaking things and even once spit on me.  These were unprovoked events in my mind. I would ask her to change her shirt before school because she had outgrown it or pick up her toys before bed. These simple requests would often send her into a rage. I had become the target of all of her pain.

I used to get so frustrated when I felt rejected and mistreated by my youngest stepdaughter. I knew what their mom had done to them and I thought how can you still love a woman who can leave you yet reject a warm and loving mom who is right in your home willing to care for and raise you? I kept beating myself up and asking over and over, what am I doing wrong??? I was focusing on me and not on them and how they are naturally wired to love and want love in return from their mom. My stepdaughter’s counselor helped me to see that I was dealing with transference from my youngest stepdaughter.

In my situation, my 9 year-old stepdaughter transfers her anger, confusion, resentment and bitterness that she actually feels towards her biological mother onto me – the mom in the house.

Psychologists refer to transference as an unconscious redirection of feelings from one person to another. According to The Source published in June 2001, “During transference, people turn into a ‘biological time machine.’” A nerve is struck when someone says or does something that reminds them of their past. This creates an “emotional time warp” that transfers their emotional past and their psychological needs into the present.

I am working on identifying triggers of rejection and abandonment for my stepdaughter.  I have come to realize that requests to change something set off her transference. She internalizes my comments as a rejection of her personally. This rejection triggers the feelings of abandonment she still harbors from her mother and she transfers all of that emotion on to me.  This has helped me make sense of how a simple request of “Can you please pick up the cornflakes you spilled on the floor?” turns into her screaming “You hate me. Why don’t you drop me off at an adoption center? I know it would be easy for you to give me up!”  Even though I only asked her to pick up some crumbs, in her mind she heard me say ‘you are worthless so pack your bags for a one way trip’.

Even though my stepdaughters haven’t seen their mom in over 4 years, every time she calls or sends a photo of her two new children, it’s like ripping the scab off an old wound – it is never allowed to heal. I recognize the transference and am actively working on not taking things personally. It is not easy but I am really trying my best. And I also understand that many stepmoms must deal with transference from their stepchildren whether they are custodial or not.

I am happy to report that I am no longer delusional about the presence of my husband’s absentee ex-wife in our stepfamily. While it’s true that I do not have the drama of the ex-wife as it relates to my husband, I do have the dramatic effects of maternal abandonment on my two stepdaughters. I am thankful to be married to my wonderful hubby and to be the mom of four and stepmom of two more. The journey of a stepmom is not an easy one but it is one worth taking. I have no regrets.

Remember your love and commitment to your husband when your love goggles fall off and you see your new family for what it is and the work that it requires.

————————————

This article of mine first appeared in the April edition of StepmomMagazine. You can subscribe to StepMom Magazine at www.StepMomMag.com

Tags: , , , , , ,

 

Thu 29 Jul 2010

Step Parenting A Special Needs Child (Part I)

Posted by Heather under My personal brew
[4] Comments

Being a stepmom is a difficult role to navigate and with stepchildren who have special needs, the role may take on even more challenges. Compassionate and loving stepmoms put forth their best effort to care for their stepchildren regardless of whether they do or do not have a special need. However, stepmothering a special needs child does require more patience, education, self-care and financial commitment.

Regardless of the special need, a stepmom needs to educate herself on the disability of her stepchild. Education can occur through gaining knowledge from the child’s doctor(s), your spouse, the child’s mother, reading books and joining support groups for the particular disability that your stepchild has.

If you are a custodial stepmom, you will truly need to immerse yourself in your stepchild’s disability.

If your stepchild is in your care on a part-time basis, it will become imperative that you and your husband have a positive working relationship with the mother and that you communicate clearly regarding your stepchild’s  time while in your care. It will also be important for you to have updates on how your stepchild is doing while not with you (in their mother’s care).

While we, as stepmoms, may do a lot of the daily care for our stepchild, especially if we are a custodial smom, our opinions and advice may differ from our spouse and the child’s mother. While we have every right to voice our opinion and advocate for our stepchild, ultimately it is the child’s parents that typically make the major decisions regarding “care”. When we don’t agree and when our genuine advice is ignored, it is very, very challenging to sit by and watch those decisions be made.

Sometimes, the disability is diagnosed after you have become the stepmom. This is especially true for “invisible disabilities” like ADHD, depression, bipolar. Many children suffer from mental disabilities and these can be very challenging for a stepfamily. Many schools, peers, family members do not know how to “deal with” invisible disabilities. Many would prefer to ignore them. (and that’s a topic for another blog)

The dynamics of stepfamily life can add further stresses on a child with an anxiety disorder and/or depression. When a child suffers from this type of disability, it is truly essential that the stepmom and her husband show a unified front and have agreed upon accepted behaviors in the home and agreed upon consequences if “house rules” are broken.  Having these set house rules empowers the stepmom when the father is not home and takes her out of the discipline equation which is important in building a positive relationship with her stepchildren.

In our home, my husband and I have come up with the one question approach to enforce our house rules. For instance, we don’t allow hitting in our home so if any of our six kids hits another, I simply ask “is hitting allowed in our home? Yes or no?” The child answers no and then I say “what is the consequence for hitting?” They reply the known consequence and then I can simply say “you chose the consequence by choosing to hit.” And my husband uses the same technique with all the kids as well. It puts the responsibility back on the child and off of the stepparent.

Caring for your stepchild and supporting your spouse requires a lot of patience and endurance.

If you are stressed out, sleep deprived, eating an unhealthy diet it will be hard for you to care for yourself and to care for others. I highly recommend putting a priority on self-care. That can range from taking a daily walk to going to the gym daily to sitting quietly in another room reading for 30 minutes a day. But it does mean making and taking time for just you. Doing something that you enjoy that will leave you feeling recharged.

You also need alone time with your spouse to pursue common interests, talk (not about the kids), rest and relax with one another.

Many churches provide respite care as an outreach program and you don’t have to belong to enjoy this service. If you have no one to watch your child(ren) so that you can go out together, you can plan a fun date night in after the kids are asleep. Watch a movie, have a picnic type dinner on a blanket in the family room, take a bubble bath together (don’t laugh), give each other massages. You get the idea. You can have quality alone time if you make the time and effort to have it.

You need time to focus on the other children also.

While they may not “need” you like their special needs sibling does, they do need your time, love and attention. Schedule special time with them. Play a game, read a book, watch a movie, go for a walk – do something where you cannot be interrupted and where you can focus your time, love and energy on the child you are spending time with.

Special needs can put a financial burden on your family.

Equipment, doctor visits, therapy, medications, counseling, surgeries, etc… can all impact your financial situation. Many medical responsibilities fall with the father which means that they directly impact you and your spouse. Budgeting, working with the agencies involved and doing smart financial planning can be a benefit. If you have hefty medical bills, I would suggest setting up a payment plan as most places are happy to get some payment on a continual basis rather than no payment at all.

Financial burdens can also impact the emotional health of your marriage.

Often decisions are being made regarding your special needs stepchild and you, as the stepmom, do not have direct input into those decisions yet they impact you financially. That can be a heavy burden to carry and one that can negatively impact your relationship with your spouse. The stepmom invests time, emotions and finances into their family yet often times they don’t get a loud voice in decision making. That is a challenge for a stepmother and for her marriage.

This just touches the tip of the iceberg so to speak when discussing stepmothering a child with special needs. This is a topic near and dear to my heart and one that I am going to elaborate on more in the coming weeks.

Would love your feedback and also for you to post any questions/comments/advice you have for stepmothering a child with special needs. Thanks. If you are interested in forming an on-line stepmom of special needs stepkids group, please email me directly at heather@cafesmom.com I would truly love to connect with you.

Tags: , , , , ,

 

Tue 27 Jul 2010

The Reluctant Stepmom by Jessica Dallas

Posted by Heather under Guest Blogs
No Comments

I am very pleased that Jessica Dallas contacted me and I am thrilled that she wanted to write a guest post for my blog. Some of the many hats she wears are wife, mom, friend, entrepreneur, writer and reluctant stepmom. Make sure to check out her links at the end of the post. Enjoy!

—————————————-

I’ve been wearing the same shirt inside-out for the last day.  The sad part is that I didn’t notice till this morning after I had taken my son to daycare.

Brilliant.  As usual.

I’m a bit consumed in my work right now and that’s a good thing.  The once-tiny little organization that I run with my sister-in-law, The Sexy Mama Manifesto, is now blossoming into a full-blown web community and it is eating up all of the spare minutes I once watched television with, surfed the web upon, dressed myself appropriately using.

The rewards, I tell myself, are worth the efforts.

That being said, I am a mother to two boys…   The biggest consumer of my energy… One is a 17 month old mad man who tries to kill himself daily by scaling surfaces meant only for Spiderman.  The other is a soon to be 9 year old Southerner to whom I am “smom” and who I married into.

We live in Ohio which is not North Carolina, where my step son lives.  In order to regularly visit, which we do, there are miles to travel before we sleep.

It’s tough being so far apart but we like to joke about it. We find it a bit funny that one portion of us has an accent while the rest of us sound like we’re off ABC’s Nightly News…  Although our youngest doesn’t sound like much of anything except gibberish these days.  That’s a good thing.  His preternatural walking-running-climbing ability is enough to deal with.

I tend to be a good “boy mommy’ in my lack of finicky-ness (remember the shirt?)  I would much prefer to be participating in sporting events than classically “female” activities with the two young ones not because I dislike sewing, crafting & baking (love them) but because the sporting activities exhaust the little demons.

And demons they can be so exhaustion is warranted…  We run, play, swim, wrestle…  Anything in the name of exhaustion… If there’s an activity that consumes all of their energy it’s one we’re behind. Because they’re my restless little demons and I love them intolerably.

It hasn’t always been this way.  I was a bit of a reluctant stepmother. My life was full enough.  With the onset of career pushes, I knew my life to be demanding enough.  With a small infant, my experience of demands knew no limits.  I felt in many ways stuck by my “smom-ness.”

After all, I had chosen my husband, I told myself.  My Higher Power had chosen me as the carrier and protector of my natural son…  Who was I to jump on the scene with a young boy who already had a “family.”  Who was I to crowd the scene?

That had been my experience as a child- that there was always some new person moving in and crowding the scene.  That I wasn’t given exclusiveness with my mother to bond and grow from.  That her interests in significant others precluded raising her children, at times.  That was how I felt…  So who was I to impose my wrath upon a child who had no say in the matter?

It was true, my life was full enough…  Better to just stay out of the scene and let things evolve as they should.  My stepson would have a less inhibited relationship with his father, the littlest guy would get to bond with his stepbrother.  I could be on the periphery…  Working.  You see, there was secondary gain involved…  I could leave my husband to parent while I completed all of the tasks I needed to before the advent of “smom-ness…”

“Hmmmmmm,” I said with an evil glint.

Yet an unexpected by-product ran me over.  I couldn’t just step back from my family, even if a portion of it was “step.”  Perhaps my Higher Power had chosen me for my step son just as my Higher Power chose me for my son.  Besides, part of what kept my family operational was me.  I was, in my efforts to be equitable, abandoning the most important folks in my life.  I was saying “no” to the gift that was being entrusted to me…  This young man.

So most of our income went to child support.  So it drove me nuts that my “rules” were looked at as second class and useless when he visited.  So it ticked me off that his mother sounded like a heroine from a poorly produced Tennessee Williams play.

It didn’t matter.  My job was to show up for this position just as I do all of the other “jobs” in my life.  My responsibility was to try to be as loving and flexible as I was able and to understand that I might always be a second class citizen and that was okay.

In reading blogs by other moms who were going through the same thing I discovered that by building my relationship with my stepson perhaps greater ground could be covered.  We might have more trust, more of a bond uniting us.  It didn’t have to be “all or nothing” as I had expected.

I didn’t have to be an outsider.

Every day that I approach my smom-ness requires me to examine my fundamental worth.  It requires me to examine what makes me “me.”  I am a mother to a blended family and it’s tough but it’s the role that has been trusted to me.

And I can grow with it or against it.  It is my choice.

————————————-

Jessica Dallas is a licensed mental health therapist in Columbus, Ohio with a Masters of Social Work degree from The Ohio State University. After working in the field of addiction and recovery for three years, Jessica set out to empower women in a broader capacity and co-founded The Sexy Mama Manifesto with her sister-in-law. Jessica is a published author and noted speaker. She currently makes her home in Ashland, Ohio with her husband, step-son & infant monster/son.

www.sexymamamanifesto.com

http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Sexy-Mama-Manifesto/153923359082?ref=search

http://twitter.com/sexymamatweet

Tags: , , , ,

 

Thu 22 Jul 2010

Coded Conversations: A Stepmom’s Language of Love

Posted by Heather under My personal brew
1 Comment

(this article was first published in StepMom Magazine, March 2010 edition)

Stepmoms, are you looking for a tool to help you navigate the muddy waters of stepfamily life and strengthen your marriage at the same time?  Look no farther than the shared language that you and your husband already possess.

A shared language. All couples have one. It began when you were dating your husband and you called each other pet names. These pet names communicate that you care about one another and also operates to draw you closer together. As your couple history increases so does your shared language. Over time, you progress from simple nicknames to creating a private vocabulary that reflects your many shared likes and experiences.

Married couples who use a coded conversation have a greater relationship satisfaction and report more playfulness and resilience than couples who don’t according to the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. A shared language is especially important and powerful in bonding you and your husband in your stepfamily. Your shared language strengthens your connection as husband and wife and helps you maneuver through difficult stepfamily challenges.

THE MARITAL BENEFITS OF SHARED LANGUAGE:

Forges a closer bond.  When you possess a shared language, you are saying to one another that you both care enough to develop your own private world. And in stepfamily life, where you are sharing your husband from the minute you say “I do,” having something that belongs to the two of you exclusively is priceless. No stepkids allowed! And this unique code isn’t limited to your home. Vocabulary is mobile and goes where you go.

My husband and I have a code word for when we want to be alone and the kids are home. All one of us has to say is “I’d like to hang a shelf today” and the other one is racing up to the bedroom. It’s an inside joke. But whenever that phrase is spoken, the other knows exactly what it means.

Shows you and your husband as a unified team. Coded conversation conveys that you and your husband are allies in your home. If your children pick up on the fact that you have this secret code, don’t fret.  It communicates that you both hold each other in high esteem and that you are a united front. What a healthy and positive message to send to your children.

Many stepmoms report feeling like an outsider in their own homes. This shared intimacy creates an exclusive club with only two members – you and your husband.

Relieves tension and stress. As stepmoms, it can feel as if we are continually dealing with hurt feelings and emotions. Often we are fighting the same fights with our stepkids or dealing with the same issues over and over involving our husband’s ex-wife. Code words are highly effective tools for stepmoms to relieve anxiety while juggling the trials of stepfamily life.

I personally, have some struggles with my 8 year-old stepdaughter. Her behavior towards me can be verbally abusive at times. When my husband notices what his daughter is doing, he’ll come up to me and say “I love you,” in a playfully sarcastic tone. By saying that to me in the way he says it, he is communicating that he appreciates that I am not returning her backlash and that he is thankful that I am allowing him to handle the matter. Usually, he can get me to crack a smile and thus diffuses the storm that has been brewing inside. His smile and playful “I love yous” are a gift to me during this emotionally charged time. I return those “I love yous” when I am very thankful for his demeanor in a difficult situation.

Inside jokes and funny code words have the ability to break tension and help you both feel more relaxed. Humor goes a long way in a marriage and so it is a good choice to formulate some funny code words or phrases to use during trying and recurring times. The most important factor to remember when using humor is that you both agree on it. If only one of you finds the word or phrase funny, it won’t work. It can actually alienate the person who does not find humor in the code. Make sure you both agree.

Preserves your time and energy supply. As a stepmom, how often do you feel like you are running on empty? Issues in your stepfamily drain your energy supply and leave you with little time and motivation to pursue your own dreams and aspirations as a woman and as a couple. And how often do you and your husband have the same conversation about your stepkids?, about visitation?, about his ex-wife?  I bet you can recite these conversations by memory.  Code words are truly priceless at replacing a conversation that is often repeated, saving you time and energy.

Transitioning kids between homes can be very challenging for both the children involved and for you and your husband. When kids go to the other parent’s home, they often have different rules, different meals, different everything and there is an adjustment period for everyone when they return to your house. You and your spouse have to deprogram the kids and give them time to get reacquainted with your rules. That is not always easy.

In our home, our code word for this time is “detox day.”  When the kids blow into our house, throw their belongings on the floor, and the first thing out of their mouths is “I’m starving”, my husband and I turn to each other and say “detox day.” With those two words we have just communicated that we are expecting a bumpy day, we understand why it may be more challenging, and that we need to give the kids and each other a little more grace. Two words say all that. Our code saves time and energy that we can use later to focus on each other.

Using a physical signal to convey a message to your husband without uttering a word also spares your time and energy supply from becoming depleted. These coded behaviors tell your husband how you are feeling without speaking. You can leave a wine glass on the counter to say, “I’ve had a bad day at work and I want to unwind.” You can tug on your earlobe when you would like your husband to notice the kids’ behavior.  Whatever your signal, it communicates so much with so little.

My husband and I have a very powerful signal we refer to as “iPod therapy.” If I am wearing my iPod, and not working out, it signals my husband that I’ve had a tough day with the kids and I may be in a less than happy mood. I don’t have to say a word to him. He is grateful for the heads up and he doesn’t ask any questions. iPod therapy is both calming for me and communicates to my husband that I’m in a self-induced time-out. Husbands don’t typically want all the details. They love talking with shared signals and code words.  No need to relive the challenging day in detail. You fast forward to the bottom line – I had a rough day and I need a little space. Having a safe signal that lets your hubby know you are a little cranky without a conversation can benefit both of you. He doesn’t have to be your processing partner and you don’t have to engage in a disagreement if he doesn’t see things your way. A win win for all.

It’s playful & fun. There is no denying that it is fun to come up with codes and catch phrases. You probably already have many code words and signals. If not, it’s a fun night to sit down and brainstorm together. And each time you use your new words, you’ll fondly recall the time you invented them.

Everyone understands the importance of not badmouthing a child’s biological parent in front of them. Yet sometimes we need to discuss that person and maybe not in the best light. It can be fun to think up a neutral code word for your husband’s ex-wife.

Because the biological mother can be such a factor in your life from the role she plays in your stepchild’s development to the impact she has on visitation (and changes to it) to her relationship with you and your husband, “the factor” is a great code to use when referring to her.  It’s a neutral word, fun to say and it’s not offensive to your stepkids or their mom if it is decoded.

How can you utilize your shared language to strengthen your marital connection? The codes themselves are not as important as the fact that you have them and utilize them. Have fun with this and enjoy the benefits of your own private club.

____________________________________________________________________

So what do you think? Are coded conversations between you and your husband helpful? Would love to hear from you.

Tags: , , , , ,

 

Mon 12 Jul 2010

Mine Are From Heaven, Yours Are From Hell – by Jim Cunningham (A Book Review)

Posted by Heather under Book Review
No Comments

Love, love, love how the internet has made if possible to meet and connect with so many wonderful people in the stepfamily community. I also love how our technologically advanced world has made it possible for great writers with a wealth of information to write and sell their books online.

It’s with great pleasures that I introduce you to one such author, Jim Cunningham, and his clever and wise book for stepfamilies titled Mine Are From Heaven, Yours Are From Hell.

If you are in a stepfamily, the title itself makes you want to read because your thinking “this guy gets it. My kids are great but my spouse’s kids are well……”

And Cunningham does get it and he offers 7 key ingredients for successfully blending your stepfamily.

What I like most about his ebook is his honesty, his creativity, and the action steps he lays out for you to work on the ingredients he lists to “cook” a successful stepfamily. In his introduction, Cunningham writes “there is hardly an experience that comes with more fantasies (thank you Brady Bunch) and at the same time more frustrations than this battleground of blended families.” And Jim is right about that.

The action steps will challenge you to personally examine the topics in this book as it pertains to you and your stepfamily. These action items make this book a great study for pre-remarrieds and a great read for couples who are already in a stepfamily. This book would also make for a great book discussion for two to three stepfamily couples.

If you have a hard time discussing your concerns about your stepkids with your spouse, this book is a great resource to read together. The topics regarding the role of the children will open a door to discuss these matters. The book will force the topic not you. You’ll also learn about the Big Three – these are three components you must instill in your children. Cunningham writes “these three are not optional, but crucial to family harmony.”

I’m a firm believer in reading everything you can regarding stepfamily life and digesting the information through the lense of your particular situation. Personally, I read everything with an open mind and try and learn as much as I can and then apply the wisdom gained to me personally and to my role as stepmom in my family.

I learned from Jim. I had many “ah ha” moments while reading. At $9.95 for his book, I believe it is money well spent. How much do we spend on house insurance, car insurance, etc.. to protect the material things in our life that matter to us?  I consider money spent on books, tools and stepfamily coaching as blended family insurance. And nurturing your marriage, keeping your family running and running well is priceless.

Cunningham’s ebook is 28 pages in length and can be purchased via paypal through his website www.livingforkeeps.com

Jim is so sure you’ll love his book, that he offers you a free chapter download. Visit his site today and check out the book for yourself.

Please come back and post your comments here to share with others. Thanks for your feedback:)

Tags: , , , ,

 

Sun 4 Jul 2010

Parents need to watch HUGE

Posted by Heather under Actionist Network
1 Comment

I watched the premiere of HUGE and I’m hooked. And note that I am not one to watch TV. The premise of the storyline intrigued me and also the fact that @JessWeiner was so excited about it as I truly respect the work she does for young women. (great follow on twitter).

I had planned to watch the show with my oldest daughter and oldest stepdaughter and my babysitter and her friends but just like the “best laid plans of mice and men”, the viewing party did not come to fruition. So I watched it alone and was completely enthralled.

What struck me immediately was the gritty reality of the show. I have to admit, I winced a bit when Wil took off her clothes to reveal her swimsuit. At first, I thought wow what a gutsy character but then it hit me she is so hiding behind her weight and her humor.  What a great job the writers did in creating her character and other characters on the show.

In my humble opinion, ALL people struggle with insecurities and it begins in the tween years.  For this group of kids, many hide behind their weight. They also hide behind their tough exterior and their abrasive personalities.  But all kids and many adults hide behind something. We are all so terrified that we will be found out. That others will discover we’re not perfect and therefore not worthy of love.  So sad but so true.

True love is unconditional yet our society constantly bombards us with conditions that make us lovable; pretty + thin + smart + wealthy = love

As adults many of us know that is simply not true, but many tweens and teens don’t.

I know I’ve only seen one episode but I think this series can really make a difference and open up dialogue between kids and parents and kids to kids to discuss some serious matters.

What saddened me the most during the show was when Wil’s character would reference how her parents are embarrassed of her and other campers made comments how their parents’ approval is linked to their weight. The message was clear to these kids –  my parents don’t approve of me because they think I’m fat. Therefore, my parents don’t love me.  And lets face it if kids feel they aren’t worthy of their parents’ love then who will ever love them. I know this to be true as a stepmom. My stepdaughters have even said “if my own mom doesn’t love me, why would anyone else ever love me.”

I hope parents are watching HUGE.

What we say and how we say things to our kids is so important. I know personally some great people who have children that are overweight. They are at a loss to help them so they’ve started teasing which they think will prompt them to eat healthy. No. Stop. Kids need to feel loved unconditionally by their parents. When parents tease about weight, the child doesn’t hear “we want you to loose wait to be healthy” the kid hears “you are a total failure and I’m embarrassed of you.” I hope this show makes the scales fall of the eyes of many parents on how they talk to their kids about weight and other issues.

Parents; you may not think it is so but your kids listen to what you say and how you say it. You are a HUGE influence in their life.

I’ll be tuning in Monday, July 5th for the next episode. I hope you will too. If you missed the first show, you can watch it on ABCFamily http://abcfamily.go.com/

Proud to be working with the Actionist Network® a community of professionals committed to creating a nation of confident women

Tags: , , , ,

 

Wed 30 Jun 2010

Stepfamily Anniversaries. We celebrate in Kid Years!

Posted by Heather under My personal brew
[2] Comments

Today, my husband and I celebrate our third, I mean our eighteenth, anniversary. The true length of our marriage all depends on how you measure it. While wedding anniversaries are calculated in traditional years , my husband and I feel it is more appropriate to measure our anniversary in kid years.

Allow me to explain.

We’ve got 6 kids between us so we multiply the 6 kids by the 3 years we’ve been married to calculate our true anniversary age of 18 years!

When we were nearing our one year anniversary, my husband and I were kidding with one another that it felt like a lot longer than one year that we had been married. We sat down and made a list of all the things we had done as a couple and as a family. We also discussed all the hardships we endured during that first year. All that we had weathered in the first year of our marriage coupled with the deep love we felt for each other and how well we had grown to know and read the other made it feel like a lot longer than the 12 months we had been an official family.

That’s when my husband jokingly suggested we celebrate our anniversary in kid years. I instantly loved it and we’ve been celebrating that way ever since. We went from 6 to 12 to 18!

On our first, I mean our sixth year anniversary, my husband took me to a wonderful restaurant in town. He didn’t know it when he made reservations but it is customary for servers to take a photo of each couple who is dining in celebration of their anniversary.

I just love the photograph from that night. It graces the dresser in our bedroom and I look at it every morning as I start the day. We look so young, so in love, so shiny, so devoid of wrinkles and gray hair.

My husband wants to go back to that same restaurant in a few months when we will celebrate our “20 year anniversary” and request the same server. He is curious to see if she remembers us and he wants to get another photo so we can see the difference 14 kid years make.

The photo is sure to be different. My hair is shorter and has a few sprinkles of gray, my weight is a few pounds heavier, the shine will be a little tarnished on my face and I’m sure to show a few wrinkles.

But what do you expect for 20 years of marriage – kid style?

Tags: , , ,

 

Fri 25 Jun 2010

Weight and Body Image are HUGE issues for our girls. Will you be watching HUGE on Monday?

Posted by Heather under My personal brew
No Comments

HUGE! What do you think when you hear that word? Honestly, what you you think? In our culture it seems that the word huge has two different connotations depending on the context. If we are speaking of inanimate objects such as gifts, meals, stores then huge is positive and sought after. However, if we are referring to the size of a person then the word huge typically carries negative connotations. Why is that?

As a mom of two daughters and two stepdaughters, I am very committed to teaching my girls the 3Ms; modesty, manners, morality. I work hard to instill healthy eating habits and to love the skin they are in. Even though I monitor what they hear, read and see, marketers still seem to penetrate my mom shield and tell my girls they are nothing if they aren’t thin.

Personally, I struggled with body image growing up. I believed I wasn’t worthy of good things if I didn’t fit “the mold.”  And because, I didn’t fit that mold I spent a great deal of my adolescence and young adulthood not feeling worthy of the good things in life. I don’t want that for my four daughters. I don’t want that for anyone’s daughters.

While my husband and I tell our girls they are beautiful inside and out, society tells them they need to look a certain way to be valued.

Value comes from the inside not the outside. Our young daughters are worthy whether they are a size 0 or a size 18.

I’m also passionate about this topic because I have heard from so many stepmoms who struggle with helping their stepdaughters with weight issues. Weight is a touchy topic for anyone but add the additional layer of stepmotherhood and you’ve got a delicate issue coupled with a sometimes delicate relationship.

When I first heard about this new show HUGE, I had mixed reactions. Initially, I thought, please don’t let it be a show where they are going to make fun of kids who are overweight. Yet I was intrigued by the show’s premise and felt prompted to learn more about HUGE.

“Funny, heartbreaking and provocative, Huge follows the lives of seven teens and the staff at a weight-loss camp, as they look beneath the surface to discover their true selves and the truth about each other” as stated on their official website. Huge is based on the book, of the same name, by author Sasha Paley.

The show’s mission is to Love Huge, Think Huge, Act Huge. Whatever you do, do it to the fullest – LIVE HUGE!

Now that is something that I want to watch. I’m planning on hosting a viewing party with my two oldest girls and my babysitter and some of her friends. Curious to watch the first episode through the eyes of young girls.

The show stars Nikki Blonsky from Hairspray and Hayley Hasselhoff. HUGE premieres Monday, June 28 at 9pm EST on ABCFamily.

It’s my hope that you will also tune in. Perhaps, this show will be a turning point in popular media. My sincere desire is that this show will open up honest dialogue about weight and body image for both girls and boys. Please tune it. Watch it with your young teens. Just give it a try and please come back and post what you think.

http://www.facebook.com/abcfamilyhuge?ref=search

Official website is http://abcfamily.go.com/shows/huge

Follow Huge on Twitter @ABDFHuge

I’m proud to be working with the Actionist Network® a community of professionals committed to creating a nation of confident women and girls.

Tags: , , , , , ,

 

Thu 24 Jun 2010

Different Strokes for Different Stepmoms

Posted by Heather under Community Forum
[2] Comments

Had to borrow that famous one liner. Sorry couldn’t help myself. Also had to write a post in response to the sassysinglemama’s piece. Her comments caused quite a stir and prompted many stepmoms to weigh in. Many diverse opinions were shared. Love the honesty and variety of our community. Makes us so interesting….

One lesson that jumped out while reading her guest blog and all the comments is this:

there is no one way to be a stepmom and there is no one way to define a mom and stepmom relationship.

What works for the sassysinglemamma doesn’t work for others. And that is OK! We can determine that what might work for her might not work for us. However, judging another person or their motivation isn’t our place. We are all in this together and we need to encourage and support one another but we don’t have to agree. The latter is actually impossible!

The important thing is having a relationship with your stepkids and their mom that works for you and your family.

I know that many smoms took issue with #12 which spoke to the stepmom’s husband helping his ex-wife.  This one is a tricky one. One thing this magnifies is that we, as stepmoms, are protective of our husbands and rightfully so. We are his wife. We love him and his first priority is with us.  That is all so true.

I try to never use the ex-wife label. Personally, I prefer to refer to her as my stepchild’s mom or by her first name. Every time we say ex-wife, we are verbally connecting our husband with this woman. They are no longer a couple. Period. However, they are the mother of our husband’s children and sometimes on occasion it may make sense for him to help his kids out (which on the surface may appear that he is helping their mom out).

Let me share a personal situation that I had in this regard.  One night I was driving home with all six kids in tow at 8:30pm and my husband was out of town on business. I was at an intersection and my van just died. We happened to be on a corner with businesses and a nice guy helped me push my car into the parking lot.  It was getting late and all my kids were young and tired. I called my husband and told him what happened. He actually suggested calling my ex to see if he would come and jump my van so I could drive the short distance home. He said it would take to long for AAA to come and he didn’t want me and the kids sitting there alone. He even said, “his kids are in the van. I hope he will come and help you out.”

In my situation, my ex did come and help. But he was helping out for the kids, not for me and I had discussed it first with my  husband. We’ve had other things come up where my ex has helped out for the kids sake but I always ask my husband first out of respect for him and for our marriage.

I think if our husband consults with us first before doing something that might be helping out his kids’ mom is vital and also gives us more power and say in the situation. And let’s face it as stepmoms, we often feel that we yield little control over things. At least that’s how I feel a lot of the time.

What is important to remember is that our stepkids’ mom and our husband will always have their children as common ground. There is no denying it. Nor should there be any denying it.

But that commonality or connection, if you will, is a working relationship not a romantic one. A positive working relationship between two parents whether they are married, divorced, or never married benefits the kids.  When I work with my kids’ dad it is not because I want to or because I enjoy it but rather because it’s important and vital for our kids to see us get along.

Kids never ask for divorce yet they bear the brunt of the impact of divorce. They shouldn’t have to carry the burden of two parents who don’t work together.

Whatever type of relationship you have with your stepkids’ mom, I hope it is one that brings you peace and not pain. I hope that it is one that is beneficial for your family and all your kids.

In the end, I will always support open, healthy and honest dialogue. It is my hope that by feeling comfortable to share our true feelings as stepmoms, we can connect with one another and feel the support of our wonderful stepmom community. We each come from different places, different life experiences, different backgrounds yet we have one common thread – to love our husbands and nurture and care for his children. Love that we are all so diverse yet all so committed to our husbands and our families. Let’s disagree on issues but not on the character of someone. I never want someone afraid to share their true heart out of fear of being judged.

We are all compassionate women and moms/smoms and I am so proud to be a part of this community.

Now, what say you???? I really want to know what’s on your mind:)

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

 

Thu 10 Jun 2010

A Sassy Single Mamma: What She Wants Stepmoms To Know

Posted by Heather under Community Forum
[20] Comments

Recently, I had the pleasure of meeting a wonderful woman who is a real inspiration to many. Jessica is the Sassy Single Mamma and she has begun a blog of her own. I so love the way she has embraced her children’s soon to be stepmom and asked her is she would like to write a guest post. I was thrilled when she agreed.

So here is Jessica’s words of wisdom to stepmoms. Please note, her words are from experience as she used to be a stepmom herself. Enjoy!

_______________________________________

A stepmother is a very unique breed of woman! She is a woman who has courage and honer running through her huge heart! A heart large enough to let in children she never got to bond with as a baby! She loves her husband’s children but knows she could never say (s)he’s mine.  Because of her love, being a stepmother is a never ending battle in her mind.

Never knowing where you truly fit in or what your exact rule is to the stepchild can cause friction in the household! I know so well because I was once a Smom to a little girl. I loved her as my own. When she hurt I hurt, when she was happy my day was brighter. It was hard for me sometimes to step back and remember I’m her stepmom and a mother to her soon to be brother.

Now my rule has changed to a mom of two boys who are about to be blessed with a smom of their own. Honestly, I’m not worried! My children’s father would not bring a woman around unless she is a good person. I have also met her on several family dinner nights!

Yes that’s right I’m a very unusual woman who wants nothing but the best for my kids father and part of that is getting to know his new love.

I wouldn’t say I’m the controlling type but family means the world to me, and making sure my boys have stable loving homes is priority. So I plan to have a “normal” friendship with this new woman. And that includes the three of us sitting down and coming up with rules that will please both households. We must also go over strict guidelines on what punishments will go along with the rules.

I feel my children will see her with more respect if she is not stumbling around. I want this to be a smooth transition for everyone. I would hate to see her punish the boys for something they are usually allowed to do. Even worst is the idea of hearing “but she let’s us do it!” along with these new sets of rules I sat her down the other day to talk about what our ideas on Smom means.

So here is my list of what  a Smom should do/be:

1) Be a role model. Show the children how a woman acts and takes care of the household. My kids had to see a relationship fail once, so make sure they see love and respect.

2) I am their mother. Don’t ever try and take my place! Be there for them but know your role and never introduce them as YOUR kids!

3) Keep communication open. As hard as it might be sometimes make sure you talk with the mother about her kids (good and bad)

4) Don’t talk bad. Yes there are bad mothers out there! But its not your business. Don’t make a child feel they have to choose between the two families! Children are innocent and have the right to love someone even with faults

5) Be apart of their lives. Weather its full, primary, or partial custody its your job to be there! It will show the child and mother you want to be a great influence. Pluses you got something to talk to the child about!

6) Love them for them. Don’t try and change them. Don’t try and turn them into what YOU believe they should be.

7) Don’t compare them to your child. Every kid is different! They learn, play, and socialize in a way that’s comfortable for them.

8) Be a mediator. They will fight with their family and friends. Its your job to listen not to put fuel on the fire. Tell the father or mother what the child is telling you what’s going on.

9) Learn from them. Children have a remarkable way of showing us our flaws. Don’t take it as an insult or reason to run away.

10) Be willing to negotiate rules. Yes each house will have different rules but really look at how important it really was before you punish the other house with keeping up with a grounding or taking away of a favorite toy! I bet the mother will see your flexibility and will become more supportive and flexible with you as well.

11) Selfless! You must be able to share your husband with his kids. Yes there are days you will come home and want to talk to your husband but wait till the kids go to bed! (That’s if he doesn’t get them all the time) If he has a annual camping trip with the kids before school starts up, don’t invite yourself or complain a week is to long.

12) You are his wife, but I am the mother of his children. I’m not saying I’m better then you! I’m saying he has a responsibility to take care of his kids, and part of that is making sure his kids mother is okay! So when he says I got to drop my car off at___ because hers broke down and needs to get to work… Don’t complain! Realize its for the good of the kids.

I do know every family is different, and your situation may not allow some of my list. But give it a try! You never know how things may change for the better.

……..

Sassy Single Mama is a 23 year old mother of 2. She just began her blogging adventures about dating as a mother and raising her boys one day at a time!   You can read more about her at her blog:

www.sassysinglemama.blogspot.com

Her motto is “Learn from yesterday, Live for today, Hope for tomorrow!” ~MUAH~

_________________________________________

So what do you think? Please share your comments here!

Tags: , , ,

 

Thu 3 Jun 2010

Guilt – Let’s Ban It!

Posted by Heather under BanGuilt
[6] Comments

It started innocently enough. I tweeted about taking a day to myself last week and how I felt guilty doing so. My twitter friend @StepMoms_Rock put me in my place and told me to ban the guilt. She was so right. Why do I feel guilty taking time to take care of myself?

We both started thinking “why do we as stepmoms feel so guilty about everything?” Before we knew it, we had decided to do a #BanGuilt blitz. We are on a mission to get stepmoms to stop feeling unnecessary guilt.

Guilt is an important emotion but it is one that is used to keep us from committing moral and legal offenses.

Last time I checked, reading a book, working out, sleeping in, sending store bought cookies to school with your kids instead of baking homemade doesn’t qualify for a federal offense. Not loving your stepkids like your own kids doesn’t make you guilty of being a bad person either. Wanting time to yourself, feeling like no matter how hard you try that your husband’s ex-wife hates you, having your efforts to connect with your stepkids repeatedly rejected isn’t anything to feel guilty over and surely doesn’t make you a criminal.

Don’t allow guilt to control your life. If you feel you have truly done something wrong, make amends and be done!

Peggy Nolan, of thestepmomstoolbox, is such a wonderful proponent of self-care and a real inspiration to me. She has encouraged me to embrace the time I take to recharge. While I feel completely refreshed when I do partake in self-care activities, I still struggle with guilt.  I know part of it stems from being raised on a healthy diet of guilt. Buy why do I still allow myself to feel guilty when I know better?

Is it because between my husband and I we have six kids and its quite busy at our home? Is it because I think our house will fall apart if I’m not there to keep the walls standing up? I know I’m not a control freak although I will admit I have a very clear picture in my mind of right and wrong and don’t like to veer off course.

My parents taught me to put the needs of others ahead of myself. It is noble and I am thankful for the lessons learned and the mercy that I have for others.

I need to remember that I can put others first but not at the expense of myself!

One important reason to keep guilt in check is to model for our children, and especially for our daughters, the type of life we want them to lead. I do want them to make the right choices in life but I don’t want it to be out of guilt. Taking time to take care of myself sets a great example for them as they grow into young adults.

Please join me and Laura from Step Moms Rock to #Ban Guilt.

I make this pledge: next time guilt comes a knocking, I’m gonna try my best not to answer  the door.

Please share the one thing you are going to stop feeling guilty about! Thanks.

Tags: , , , ,

 

Thu 27 May 2010

Stepmoms and Discipline

Posted by Heather under Community Forum
[9] Comments

Now that’s a conversation starter. Yeah, I know. This is a blog not a book. Discipline in general has been the topic of thousands of parenting books. Throw in the divorce factor then add stepfamily dynamics and you’ve got enough stuff to write a book series on the topic of discipline. But today, I bring you a question that is burning in the heart of one mother.

I recently was in contact with a great single mom whose kids are about to get a stepmom. This mom really wants to work with her ex and his fiancé to put the kids first. She is meeting soon with both of them to “draw up plans” on how to handle discipline across both homes.

 Her main question is “what role should a stepmom play in disciplining my kids?”

I asked her if I could throw it out to get comments from the great stepmoms who read my blog and she is happy to get your feedback. What a great person. She truly wants to work with the other home and keep things consistent. If I understand the situation correctly, the kids will be going between the two homes on a regular basis.

Is it possible to keep things consistent between the two homes? What can she expect? As stepmoms, what do you want her to know about how you feel your role is in discipline? What’s your current role? What do you wish it to be?

For me personally, I have to enforce consequences with my stepdaughters as I am a custodial stepmom and I am home with them more than their father is at home. Thankfully, my husband and I recognized that fact before we even got married and made sure we set rules and expectations ahead of time.

Our rules are clear and our consequences are clear so when one of our kids breaks a rule, we don’t even have to tell them the consequence they know it. Setting clear rules/consequences takes pressure off of me to be the heavy. We just need to say “you choose to have this consequence by your choice to do ____________. You know the rules of the house and you know the consequence for breaking them.”

I believe that every stepfamily is unique and that each couple has to agree on how they want discipline handled in their home. This can bring about so much stress for a stepmom. She may often feel disrespected when her stepkids purposely disobey what she says and feels she has no authority to correct the behavior. 

The father is such an integral part of making this work. I believe that is why it’s so important for the couple to set up house rules and consequences for all the kids in the home. This takes pressure off the stepmom and also doesn’t make her the “bad guy” with the kids.

In my humble opinion, if the father is home, he should handle the discipline. But if the stepmom is the only parent home, she should have the authority to enforce already established consequences.

There are many situations where the dad travels for work and/or the stepmom is custodial. Stepmoms need the authority from their husband’s to enforce set house rules and consequences.

I know many people cringe at the idea of family meetings but they are so vital in creating an environment where the kids see both dad and stepmom as a team. They can be used for the dad to share the house rules and consequences with the kids (with the stepmom present).  It’s important for the dad to say that these are rules we came up with together and together we will enforce them. You will have to respect me and your stepmom’s authority.

And wow! What a great opportunity for this mom. Would it be possible to have a family meeting with she, her ex and the stepmom present to say these are the rules we ALL set up and these are how they will be enforced. How cool would that be for all the kids to see all the parents are on the same page?

This can be such a hot topic. I reached out to my twitter community to see if they wanted to share any words of wisdom as I was writing. These are some of the great comments I received:

  • We have a “our home, our rules” situation because we highly disagree with BMs parenting. Also can’t have separate rules for ours than SS.
  • At least be consistent in your home even if the rules are different between homes.
  • Smooth here…they all seem to know the rules upon arrival & knock on wood we have yet to hear but mommy lets me or daddy lets me. (Yeah, for you!!!)
  • Had more trouble blending “our” rules… no more climbing walls, jumpin on furniture, coloring everything, or ham sandwiches for dinner.

One stepmom wrote “2 add he’s taught me many things as well, like patience and lowering my voice-brought just as much to the table, we r a good team.”

I heard from quite a few stepmoms who say that their husband has a volatile relationship with their ex-wife and rules don’t really apply because the mom seems to do the opposite of what the dad says and/or rewards the kids when they are with her. 

Whether we are discussing discipline or co-parenting in general, the parent’s unwillingness or shear inability to separate their role as parent from the conflict they experienced in their previous marriage and through divorce make it extremely difficult for them to make decisions with the kids’ best interest at heart.

So let’s hear it. What is your advice for this mom as she prepares to meet with her ex and his fiancé to put a plan in place? Let’s help her out! Thanks!!!

Tags: , , , , ,

 

Thu 20 May 2010

Did the stepmom of this woman’s children cross the line? She needs our help!

Posted by Heather under Community Forum
[12] Comments

Recently, I spoke with a woman who holds a role very similiar to many of us. She is both a mom and a stepmom. She embraces her role as both and seeks a good relationship with her children’s stepmom. However, her kid’s stepmom recently did something that has this mom very upset – the stepmom had her stepkids’ (this woman’s children) names tattoed next to her own children’s names. The stepkids names were added to the tattoo she already had of her own kids.

Understandably, this mom/stepmom is upset. It hurts and angers her that her children’s names are tattoed on another woman’s body. She believes this woman crossed the line and is torn between whether to confront her or not and if she confronts her – what should she say.

It is hard for me to offer solid advice not knowing all the dynamics of this mom and stepmom’s relationship. What was the motivation behind the stepmom getting the tattoo? Did she do it to validate her role as stepmom? Was she feeling insecure as a wife and stepmom? Did she do it to spite the mom of her stepkids? The motivation is unknown.

If she did it to spite the mom or to make her role as their stepmom more real then confronting her will probably leave this mom more upset and frustrated. If this stepmom had the tattoo for selfish/negative reasons than she may expect an angry response from the mom and might possibly be happy that she is upset. If she’s the type that is expecting a response, the best response you can give her is to not respond.

It’s my understanding that this mom is considering confronting the stepmom to tell her she has crossed the line because she doesn’t want her to do something like this again. This mom asking the question would like clear boundaries set on the role of mom and stepmom. But in confronting the stepmom of her kids, I believe this mom may run the risk of her kids’ stepmom doing more things like this in the future if it is her intention to upset the mom and/or if she doesn’t care about the mom and her feelings.

A line that I read once when I was going through my divorce was this; “He who angers you controls you” anonymous.  I love the quote and I remind myself of it daily as I do not want to give anyone that type of power over me.

I would encourage this mom/stepmom to work through her anger. She has a right to be hurt, she has a right to be angry. I know I would be if I were in her situation. But what we do with the anger is key. I don’t know what confronting the stepmom will accomplish. I don’t know if she will listen and be remorseful and agree to not do something similar in the future. One big possible outcome of confronting is to be left feeling more upset especially if this mom has an expectation of what type of response she wants from the stepmom. Unfortunately, that tattoo is there and is for all purposes – unremoveable.

Depending on this mom’s relationship with her ex-husband it may make the most sense to speak with him directly about how she feels. This way she can express her feelings without running the risk of getting into an arguement w/ the stepmom that could leave her feeling more frustrated and angry.

Here are some truths as I see them that can never be changed regardless of whether her kids’ names are tattoed on another woman:

You ARE the mother of your children

Your kids WILL ALWAYS be loyal TO YOU regardless of what the stepmom’s tattoo reads

Your kids WILL ALWAYS love you

As stepmoms, we know first hand that regardless of how much we love and take care of our stepkids they are most loyal to their mom and dad first. This is often very frustrating for stepmoms but should bring comfort to moms and communicate to moms that they don’t have to compete with stepmoms. Most of us truly want what is best for our marriage and for all of our kids (biological, adopted and step).

The above is my humble opinion on this matter. I wanted to open this up for other stepmoms to respond and encourage this woman and share any experiences that might be similiar.

Our stepmom community is strong and we all know how important it is to help one another out. Please leave your feedback for our friend below. Thanks.

Tags: , , , , ,

 

Thu 6 May 2010

When complaining turns into an opportunity for healing; I know why my stepdaughter hates Thursdays

Posted by Heather under My personal brew
[5] Comments

So every Thursday my SD11 and I go through this “dance” in the morning. She wakes up in a bad mood and starts in on how she doesn’t want to go to flute lessons. She goes on and on about how she hates lessons and how her teacher is horrid and how doing back to back lessons with her sister is torture.

And every week I say the same thing, “I understand you are not happy. I get it but going on and on about it is only going to make you feel worse. You begged us to take lessons, you loved the teacher until your sister started her lessons. It’s vital to finish what you start. If you don’t want to do lessons next year, that’s fine with me but you’ve got to finish the year out. Always finish what you start.”

But every week it seems to ramp her up.

She is in middle school so she gets on the bus later than everyone else. Basically, by the time she comes down for breakfast her dad is at work and the other kids have left for school.  It’s just her, myself and my 6 year old.

She has the ability to work herself up into such a tizzy that I usually have to tell her that we can’t keep discussing it. I tell her that she needs to speak with her father about it (which she rolls her eyes at) and I usually go into my office in the hopes that she will cease her complaining.

Come to think of it, I now dread Thursdays because I know what’s going to happen. It’s not even that I don’t want to listen to her ramble endlessly about her loathing of lessons, it’s that she gets so angry, so bitter, so downright nasty. It’s very uncharacteristic of her.

I have always subscribed to the notion that hurting people hurt others.

I believe that there is always an underlying cause for everyone’s surfaced pain. I truly thought she didn’t like flute lessons because she had to do back to back ones with her sister who is her exact opposite. SD11 practices everyday, is responsible, kind, very rule oriented where as my SD9 never practices, is forgetful, disrespectful and believes Life is a party (that’s a whole nother blog as she covers her pain with laughter and fun).

Well today, she decided to let it all out. As I was gently trying to coax her out the door for school all the while she is physically crying and shouting about how she refuses to go to flute lessons, she screams “I hate Thursdays. I’ve always hated Thursdays. My mom promised to come back on a Thursday and she never did. Five years of Thursdays with no mom. Now do you get why I hate Thursdays. I hate everything about the day!!!!”

OMG. My tears just flowed. I had no words. I looked at her. Her face was contorted in pain, her body trembling, her face was tear stained. All I could do was hug her and say “that’s hard. Really hard.”

Wow.

I’ve been thinking all day about how I want to talk with her about it. I want to validate her pain and her anger but I also want to teach her in a gentle way not to allow her situation to define her.

I would love to switch lessons to a different day but the teacher is all filled up. We have 3 more weeks and then we are done for the summer.

It isn’t flute lessons, it isn’t the teacher, it isn’t even her sister. It’s the raw pain of abandonment that fuels her anger for Thursdays.

Being a stepmom is joyful yet challenging. I am really growing and learning. And my SD taught me a very important lesson today; look beyond someone’s outward pain. There is something inside that is driving that pain. While it can be extremely difficult especially if you are on the receiving end of the lashing out, please continue to press on and reach out.

My SD11 comes to me with the tough issues. I used to say “why don’t you talk to your dad about this?” But I came to realize that her dad is the “only real” parent she has and she doesn’t want to upset him (I still think she thinks she’s responsible for her mom leaving even though we always tell her otherwise.)

She feels safer talking with me because if she gets me angry or makes me leave (in her mind) she’ll always have her dad.

If I hadn’t allowed her to have these conversations and allowed her to feel safe to come to me I don’t think we would have learned about her feelings for Thursday.

As stepmoms, we often get the worst of stuff — the complaining, the disrespect, the glares, the stares but maybe just maybe we can be a window to open up our stepkids and allow some pain to come out and let the healing come in.

While I used to dread Thursday morning with my stepdaughter, I am now thankful for that time because it not only allowed me to see that she does trust me to tell me these things but I think a huge brick has been lifted from her shoulders now that she spoke outloud why she hates Thursdays.

My husband and I now have the task of assisting her in addressing this pain but it’s out there, we know about it, and now we can move forward and help!


Tags: , , , , , ,

 

Wed 5 May 2010

Bake some mini cranberry-orange breads for Mom and SMom

Posted by Heather under Recipes
No Comments

Looking for an easy and yummy recipe for Mother’s Day? Looking for a sweat treat to share with those you appreciate on this special day? Try these Mini Cranberry-Orange Breads!

This recipe is from the great folks at Domino Sugar. Of course I had to test this recipe out before recommending it to all my gals so  I asked for some volunteers at home. I had a blast baking with three of my six kids. Not only did we have a wonderful bread to share afterwards but we created a precious memory that the four of us  will treasure forever!

Padon my tangent, but I wanted to share that one of the reasons I so love baking with my children is it reminds me of the special time I used to spend with my grandmother. She not only taught me the fine art of baking she used that time to teach me about life.  There is no better time to talk to your kids then when you are working together on an interactive “project” like baking. I miss my grammie:)

Thanks for allowing me to reminisce.

This bread has a delicious aroma while baking. Your whole house will smell great!  The recipe is also super easy to make. Older kids could definately bake this on their own with you supervising the oven.

Everyone in our family enjoyed tasting the final product. It is sweet but the cranberries give it a tartness to create a nice blend of flavors.

I decided that I’m going to request this bread on Mother’s Day.  It will go nicely with the bowl of Honey Grahams, piece of toast, banana and glass of milk my kids always bring to me in bed (One year the tray didn’t make it all the way up the stairs! That was okay, I had my feast where it landed!)

I’m also going to bake up a few extra loaves to wrap up nicely and give to some friends who are such a blessing to me and are great moms and/or stepmoms as well.

However you choose to celebrate Mother’s Day, know that while we as moms sometimes go unnoticed and unappreciated we are doing the most important job of all and we are creating a legacy that will live far beyond what our eyes can ever and will ever see.

I wish you all a happy day!

Tags: , , , ,

 

Wed 21 Apr 2010

So Thankful to be Home from Europe

Posted by Heather under Encountered Blessings
1 Comment

Last week, I tweeted that I was unplugging for a few days to spend time with my husband. What I didn’t mention is that he was taking me to Switzerland for a long weekend alone. The plan was for us to fly to Zurich and then I would fly home on Sunday, April 18th and he would take the train to Paris for work.

My first trip to Europe with my amazing husband and there is a volcano in Iceland!

It was scary being stranded there and not knowing when air travel would resume. The airport was taking it day by day in terms of whether they knew if air space would be open and closed. It was the not knowing that was so unsettling.

I sent out a request for prayers from friends near and far and also sent an email to our local radio station 95.5 The Fish.  They actually read my email on air and asked for prayers from listeners.

We were put on a flight the next day and the following is the email I sent them.  I will blog about our travels in the next few days and the many lessons I learned but for now I am hugging my kids tight and enjoying being on American soil.

Here goes my note:

Praise God, we are home from Switzerland! I am writing to thank you and your listeners with tears in my eyes. I literally felt the Lord’s peace the whole time we were trying to get out. Even though my heart ached to see my children I knew God would see us home. We are so blessed to have had so many people praying for our safe and timely return.

The Lord has blessed me with a wonderful and devoted husband. We were going to the airport everyday and yesterday we went again. Swiss airspace had opened for a short window yesterday am. We went to the airport hoping to get on but unfortunately the United plane was not there to take us home. One of the agents we had met was a mom and she so felt for me. United was putting all the people in line on standby to take an Air Canada flight home. But when I looked at my ticket she had actually given me a seat number – i was going home. My husband had pleaded with her that he wanted me home at the least and would sacrifice himself and stay if he could just get me home. I am humbled and in awe of his love for me.

I stood in line waiting, humbled by my husband’s love and God’s strength. I prayed in a mighty way that the Lord would take us home together. Then they announced my husband’s name over the speaker. He went to the desk and was given a seat number – we were going home together. We had the last seats on the plane. While on the flight the crew announced that they had reclosed some European airspace. We had gotten out in a small window. I know it was by God’s grace and mercy that we are home and by the love and prayers of our Grace Church in MH and our “fish family” in Cleveland.

Words can never express how I felt when I walked on American soil and what it felt like to kiss my children. I am truly humbled that you all prayed for us and cannot thank you enough.

Sending you all our love and thanks. You have helped bring a family back together. I will continue to pray for all the people who are yet to go home. God’s blessing to you all. He is our rock on which we stand!

In His Grip Forever, Heather and Andy

Tags: , , , , , , ,

 

Mon 12 Apr 2010

As a Stepmom, I Have More Power Than I Thought

Posted by Heather under Daily Cup of Encouragement
1 Comment

I learned a lot from doing the “Don’t Take Things Personally Challenge.”  And I’ve been using my knowledge every day to make life as a stepmom less emotionally taxing.

Today, gave me a great reason to pull out all my tools and find one I didn’t even know was in my toolbox. I got to discover another lesson I hadn’t realized I learned; I hold the power to control my thoughts.

And so the story goes, I have been having a great couple of weeks. I’ve really focused on not letting things get to me and it has made a huge difference for me.  My husband commented that he has noticed a new calmness about me. Good stuff. Today, it was put to the test.

My SD’s natural mom made all these promises and once again didn’t fill them. It has been about a month since she has last called my SD.  My SD was just at the point of giving over her anger and connecting with me again and then the phone rings. Guess who????  This is a cycle that I can recite verbatim; mom calls and makes promises, mom doesn’t keep promises, SD lashes out at me transferring all of her anger and frustration onto me, I deal with it, SD starts to diffuse and get over Mom’s continued failure, SD begins to warm up to me, mom calls, cycle restarts…….

Usually, after one of these call I feel terrible. I don’t even know what is said anymore (another lesson I learned from the challenge) but I’ve lived through the cycle for so long that I know what is coming.  I feel powerless. I feel a victim to the circumstances.  I feel like screaming.

But this time was different.

When my SD hung up the phone and was doing the “mom is gonna change this time” dance, I started to feel those powerless, victimized feelings I’ve felt in the past. But before I could take a drive down that road that only leads me to sadness and despair, I took a U turn and got on another path. I said I am not powerless. I can control how I react to this. I can choose to get all worked up and worry about the next few weeks or I can just be happy with me, my husband, and the many blessings in my life and live day to day in regards to my SD and her relationship with her mom.

I realized that I am GIVING my SD’s mom power when I ALLOW her behavior to negatively impact me and my thoughts. No more! I will not give my power away. I choose to focus on all the good in my life and not dwell on the chance that I’m going to have a tough go of it over the next few days.

I really don’t know what tomorrow holds for my SD and myself. But I do know that I hold the power to be happy. That I will not give my power to a woman who does not value the wonderful person she helped create 9 years ago. I refuse to allow her to ruin even one minute of my time thinking about what might happen.  Realistically, even if my SD lashes out at me over the next few days I know why. It doesn’t make it right for her to be so combative towards me but it helps me to understand that she’s not lashing out at me.  She’s really lashing out at her mother and she’s doing it through me as I’m the mom in the house.

I have the power to focus on me and how I will react to circumstances and I’m going to use it in a positive way.

If you want to read my learnings from the Don’t Take It Personally Challenge, visit www.thestepmomstoolbox.com to read my full article featured on the site.


Tags: , , , , ,

 

Mon 5 Apr 2010

The Mother’s Day – Daughter’s Day Challenge

Posted by Heather under Practical Advice
[6] Comments

I love Mother’s Day. I admit it. I love having a day where I, along with the rest of my family, get to celebrate how awesome it is to be a mom. I love all the homemade cards, I love the breakfasts in bed, I love the random hugs and kisses all day from my kids just because they want me to know that they love me!

I love it all yet I had to really think about Mother’s Day for the first time when I was dating my husband because his girls hadn’t seen their mom for a year and hated the holiday. Making mother’s day cards at school and at church sent them into an emotional tailspin. Since we were not married yet, I knew that I could still enjoy my morning with my kids without offending or hurting his daughters but I also knew that once we were married and living under the same roof, I would have a huge dilemma; scale back Mother’s day for my stepdaughters at the risk of offending my kids or keep Mother’s day the way it always has been and risk hurting my stepdaughters… just one of the many challenges us stepmoms face!

It is moments like this when you hope for a great solution and the wish goes unfulfilled but not this time. This time, brilliance did not escape me but rather found me desperately seeking a solution to this burden weighing down the man of my dreams. So I’m sitting with my not yet husband and he’s lamenting how tough Mother’s day will be for the girls and I say, why don’t you turn it around and make it “Daughter’s Day”?

Make them breakfast in bed, give them cards that say what great daughters they are and get them a small gift. Tell them that you are inventing a new holiday to celebrate them. He loved it. He announced it to the girls and they super loved it. And of course in my husband’s wonderful manner, he credited the idea back to me. I don’t know if the girls were all that impressed but they loved the concept.

The first Mother’s Day we were married, we celebrated “Daughter’s Day” for all four girls in our home and I still got to celebrate Mother’s Day. My kids woke up early, filled the tray with dry toast, a bowl of fruit loops, an apple and those lovely handmade cards and brought it to me in bed. Priceless. And all the girls felt super special with the festivities surronding Daughter’s Day!

We have now added “Son’s Day” to our Father’s Day celebration so that I can celebrate my sons.

I also let my stepdaughters know that if they make a Mother’s Day gift at school, that they can either make it and send to their mom, or make it for a grandmother if they don’t want to make it for me. I also tell them that they may ask to be excused from the craft and go to the library instead. I think it takes the pressure off of my stepdaughters if I tell them they don’t have to give me anything. Some years I get something handmade and some years I don’t and that’s okay with me.

And now when I help out at school for any holiday, I always ask the children who are in stepfamilies if they want to make two of whatever the gift is. You should see the relief in their faces and the gratitude of the teachers. Most teachers don’t think about those things if they themselves are not in a stepfamily. And the offer to make more than one item removes so much anxiety from the chid. No more “who will I give it to?”

Do you have a stepdaughter in your life who does not see their mom? Will you add Daughter’s Day to Mother’s Day and share the day with her? So, will you take the Mother’s Day/Daughter’s Day Challenge? Would love to hear from you!

Tags: ,

 

Fri 2 Apr 2010

6 Kids, 32 pairs of shoes, golf bag – will travel!

Posted by Heather under My personal brew
No Comments

Ana, thanks for allowing me to guest post on your blog.

To read all about our first major trip together, please check out Ana’s great blog at http://momteachingtwo.blogspot.com/

The story is about our adventure cross country to attend my brother’s wedding in California. From my husband sacrificing his golf bag to house all 32 pairs of shoes to my brother being self-evicted from the beach house due to bugs to my son getting bit by a sand crab all the adventures are there.

Have fun reading:)

Tags: , , , ,

 

Next Page »